Fake News From the desk of Ivanka

Ivanka: The latest on Dad’s latest insanity

In this exclusive advisory for Fake News, Ivanka reveals that giving advice to her Dad has about the same effect as lying down on the tracks to prevent a train-wreck.

 

 

Dad never takes any notice of advice because he reasons if he hasn’t thought of it already it’s not worth bothering about.

So obviously Jared and I as White House advisers don’t waste our time advising Dad. Our role is rather advising members of his administration not to argue with him as it inevitably leads to perpetrators like Rex and The Mooch moving from the White House to the Getting-the-Chophouse.

Convincing Dad’s team that he’s infallible is not as easy as you may think but we’re both absolutely dedicated to the belief that only Dad can make America Great Again while Presidents like Oprah and Bernie Sanders would make America Stagnate, Truncate or Inflate Again.

Dad has got an absolutely clear vision of where he wants to take America and indeed the world and I believe now is the time to reveal it to opinion leaders of the stature of Fake News Readers so you can begin to exercise your considerable influence in helping bestow its benefits upon mankind.

The realisation of Dad’s vision began with Putin and Xi both becoming Presidents for life and so setting a precedent for him.

The next stage of his crusade towards a safe and prosperous society comprises a cold war with Russia, a trade war with China, a nuclear war with North Korea and a war of attrition with Robert Mueller.


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Once those crucial building blocks have been put in place Dad will make his bid to stand alongside Putin and Xi as a lifelong President.

I believe Americans will welcome this historic initiative as deliverance from the tyranny of Presidential elections that last two years and also a guarantee that there’s no prospect whatsoever of Stormy Daniels becoming our next President through urging Americans to ‘’follow my example and ensure that Trump only screws you once.”

Then the way will be clear for Putin, Xi and Trump to combine in the launch PUXIT. It will be similar to BREXIT but instead of the UK breaking away from the EU it would rather be about Russia, China and the US breaking away from all rogue regimes, shithole countries and anyone else who disagrees with Dad.

PUXIT is planned as the gateway to a refugee-free zone protected by walls and Operation Sovereign Borders where children will attend school safe in the knowledge that they are carrying semi-automatics, wearing bullet-proof vests and there’s absolutely no prospect of the climate changing. And it would promote so much collusion between Putin, Xi and Dad that Mueller wouldn’t know where to start.

Jared and I remain determined to meet the challenges that this new era will bring like advising Kim Jong-un of the dangers of arguing with Dad at their upcoming meeting and advising Putin and Xi that if they don’t do as Dad tells them post-PUXIT they could suffer the same fate as Rex and The Mooch.

 

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