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While you were asleep: Trump recants* threat, Sticks beat guns, Westbrook finds rebound

Friday. Tally-ho. Overnight, Donald Trump explained yesterday’s insanity (sort of), the mass school shooting problem was solved (not really) and Russell Westbrook found love (kinda)

 

 

Donald recants yesterday’s insanity, never claimed that it happened. But it might. You know?

There’s an old Simpsons joke that illustrates an exchange between two embittered teenagers:

Teenager A: Are you being sarcastic, dude?

Teenager B: I don’t even know anymore.

While the frame of reference might have been the entertainment value gleaned from a cannonball to the gut, the reason why I bring it up is the vast confusion the Trump Administration continues to enable. Yesterday, we placed a hand over our breast in shock regarding the news that Donald would/has/will launch/launched ordnance against the body of Syria, the face of Russia and the nerves of us in general. Missiles! Oh no!

Wind the clock forward a day, and we have…well, this post probably explains it best. Worth mentioning that the below post is from Donald’s actual Facebook page. From his lips, not those of a satirical doppelganger.

 

 

So, I don’t even know if I’m having fun, or if I’m angry, or what.

I don’t even know anymore.

 

 

Schools of America decide to combat mass shootings with sticks and stones.

The Americans are a resolution, sturdy people. When at first they don’t succeed with a bad idea, they take one teensy tiny sidestep and march forward on a parallel path of blergh. For instance, the idea of arming teachers to combat students with guns lead ballooned. But, no matter as one Philadelphian education district has taken its cues from The Bill, arming their faculties with miniature bats in which to confront high-powered semi-automatic weaponry. Again, not satire, as William Hall, superintendent of the Millcreek Township School District said to The New York Times“I think a bat could disarm a pistol with a nice swing.

 

One of the bats in question | Erie News Now

 

Echoing that insane schwack of logic, Jon Cacchione, the president of the teachers’ union believes it to be a solution, stating: “Is this going to make the difference if we have an active shooter? I don’t know…but it’s an improvement of what we had before.”

Which, I suppose he’s correct. Much better than those no-hopers over in the Blue Mountain school district Pennsylvania, let’s all point and laugh and scoff at their lesser solution for stopping school shootings.

 

NOT SATIRE!

 

 

Russell Westbrook historically gets rebound, enables a new age of statistic wonder.

Sometimes one endures a historic break-up. One that makes all the others seem easy, pale. However, from breathing in the ashed remains of that place you shared, there is renewal, and often a historic rebound follows it. Which I can naturally assume that NBA person, Russell Westbrook recently accomplished.

 

 

Seemingly, the National Basketball Association is now registering their players statistics off the court, seemingly in matters of love. Which, a bold move, but sure. However, if they’re now doing it for current players, surely some great icons of the past should also be honoured.

But not Kobe.

Fuck that guy.

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