Fake News

Prince Charles: Heir today, king tomorrow or: A succession of problems

Tom Peeping, Fake News’ relentless royal watcher, discusses whether there’s any prospect of Charles being heir today and king tomorrow.

 

 

At the recent meeting in London, the Queen pleaded with the Commonwealth heads of government to give Charles a go when she packs it in. On the other hand however, having reigned as the Marathon Queen for countless Commonwealth Games, she shows no sign of a final sprint to the finish line.

Charles opened the recent Commonwealth Games but unfortunately failed to finish. This provided an opening for Peter Beattie to be the first to cross the line at the closing ceremony because he shut out all the other athletes.

Royal career guidance counsellors are beginning to doubt whether Charles still has what it takes. They feel he must be extremely dispirited to find that after so many years of intensive job training his career path is still blocked by his mother.

He may also be deeply affected by the fact his father has dropped out of things entirely and may soon be repatriated to Greece along with the Elgin Marbles.

On the other hand he is the husband of Camilla and the soon to be father-in-law of soap star Meghan Markle so there’s the distinct possibility of a starring role in a royal reality version of Game of Thrones.

There are a number of other contenders to succeed who could yet overtake Charles in the race to rule.

William has a distinct advantage over his father in that he isn’t half as likely to provoke Australia into becoming a republic.

If Fergie became Queen it would open up intriguing new promotional possibilities like a sponsorship from Weight Watchers and a starring role in the Biggest Royal Loser. This would come as a welcome relief from all the wait-watching that’s been focused on Charles.

The world’s leading monarchist Tony Abbott is still a chance to succeed the Queen although it would arguably take divine intervention to gain assent from the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Oprah would be a popular choice but the job probably isn’t big enough for her.

And in the modern era it’s only fair that a queen like Boy George should be granted equal opportunity.

At least Charles deserves credit for not running out of patience and following the example of predecessors by snatching the throne from his mother through armed insurrection.

Perhaps his destiny after all lies in becoming a treasured family heirloom, or perhaps he will derive fulfilment from becoming the world’s longest serving head of heirs.

Furthermore specialists are deeply concerned about the threat to Charles’ health and wellbeing if he snags his first proper job in his seventies or eighties – not to mention the loss of unemployment benefits.

Meanwhile it should be kept in mind that the Commonwealth heads of government have pledged their support for Charles to become their next king. After all CHOGM is hardly the place to let their heir down.

 

Tom Peeping is permanently located in a sentry box outside Buckingham Palace with a telescope.

 

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