Internet dating is a hollow place, and this especially goes for Tinder. However, over in the US, you can pay people to do it on your behalf. But please don’t.
Internet dating, as it was recently defined to me, is a “nihilistic mindfuck”. A term which I happen to agree with, but it’s also an opportunity to bait a hook with the same dad joke to ascertain which guppy would be foolish enough to jump in your boat.
Yes, Internet dating might be limp, tepid, hollow and a dud root, but the one thing that we can reliably expect from the world of app-based internet dating is that people are awful, but at least these real disappointments are real people, right?
Well, let me be really real for one moment, as it turns out that that basic truth is also a lie. It seems, that the most basic of people (or actually quite smart) have turned the questionable act of getting your witty/most forward friend to Tinder on your behalf into an actual industry.
Called “closers” or “virtual dating assistants”, companies outsource the labour to a third party, which in turn, hopes to glean a connection, and eventual labour for the customer. For further learning, Google “virtual dating assistant jobs”, which in my research for this piece, seems to be a job you can do from home, where you can find someone the person of their dreams, while you can exercise your career dreams by not going to work.
It’s essentially that movie Her, minus the central thematic question, but with needlessly added flirty emoji come-ons from some miscreant with yesterday’s muesli in his beard.
Outsourcing the laborious task of rehashing jokes, flirting and asking people if they’re still awake sort of makes sense on a personal level. It’s a drag, and a labour-intensive one at that. It’s like working romantic retail, one must always be on.
However, for those who are looking to enter a partnership, even if it’s just an evening of sport-boinking, need to be honest with themselves. It’s a dick move to make your dick move. A union, even if it climaxes after climax, needs to be based on trust. I mean, a knock on the door and whoever’s house seems to be an innocuous thing, as it’s only one night, it’s a transient union, but the reason why they open it, is because they trust you. They trust that all those jokes, and all those emoji and all those shards of connection were real, and that the laughs, or feelings hinted at, were genuine.
To those who participate in these acts, for shame.
You give love a bad name.