TBS Newsbot

While you were asleep: Royals ban Markle from wedding, Socceroos squad announced, Melania Trump in hospital

High scandal this morning, as the Royal Family booted out the father of the bride, the Socceroos squad was thinned to 26 and Melania Trump now resides at a hospital.

 

 

Royal Family boots out Mr Markle from the Royal Wedding, because reasons.

In an unpredecented move (this millennium) the Royal Family has teamed up with an American gossip trap and swung the marble hammer of etiquette, banning the father of Meghan Markle from attending the wedding of his own daughter.

The reason why is Mr Markle apparently staged paparazzi photos that displayed him being fit for a suit (or a noose, it’s hard to tell). The scandal, as least as far as I can tell, is allowing the paparazzi to take his photo (I mean, what’s the other option? Flee in a car?), an act which was apparently enabled by his heart attack in the days prior. Which is either a great or a bad excuse.

Suffice to say that Meghan will now step the carpet fantastique solo, or worse, having Prince Charles do the honours. You’re not even her real dad, Charlie.

 

 

 

Bert releases World Cup squad. Sort of.

Brace yourselves. It’s not the World Cup squad, but rather the pre-World Cup friendly squad. Last night, Socceroos coach Bert van Marwijk (who really should have picked Ernie Merrick as an assistant) whittled down the magic number down to 26, with three more set to be banished to the unplace of watching the tournament at home, alongside the damned, we doomed to shell out a pay-tv subscription. For shame, SBS.

So, who got cut? Well, remember the names Jamie Maclaren, Apostolos Giannou, Alex Gersbach, Mitchell Langerak, Bailey Wright and Aleksandar Susnjar, as they may be the answer to some needlessly difficult pub trivia evening in years to come.

However, who remains is rather more exciting. Other than the grand old man powered by Weetabix and Caltex, Timothy Cahill, we have an introduction of two rather interesting players, Andrew Nabbout (previously of the Jets) and Melbourne City’s Daniel Arzani.

 

Now, those two are important for important reasons. We, as a footballing nation tend to produce two types of attacking footballers in this country. Those who can pass, and those who can run. Fortunately two those can do both. Now, I’m not saying that those who can do it against Wellington Phoenix can do it against France, but it’s certainly more preferable that the Leckie/Troisi/Kruse school of running in a straight line before hacking the ball out, or over the box entirely.

With that being said, Australia is due to play the Czechs on June 1 and Hungary on June 9 before we kick off against France in the big one.

Gah. The World Cup negs have begun.

 

 

Melania travels to hospital to have surgery, follows Catch-22 to the letter.

We see you Melania. Pulling the full Yossarian, the First Lady has rushed herself into hospital to sit the rest of the war out. And fair play, as Joseph Heller put in it his famous book: Insanity is contagious. According to the news-wire, Melania underwent kidney surgery, and is expected to remain there until the end of the week. Rest up, babes – take the rest of the administration off.

We would.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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