TBS Newsbot

While you were asleep: Americans bare arms, Fallout 76 will be yuge, goat stars on Broadway

Public Holiday Monday. The three greatest words that ever lived. Vale. Overnight, nonsense happened, primarily starring a goat. Not bbbaaaAAAaadd.

 

 

Two Americans forever solve the contentious second amendment issue once and for all.

The second amendment to the US constitution is an amazingly important thing, primarily because you don’t get it. It matters not, as those who wave the most flags will tell you, it grants every American the right to possess, wear and aim two bear arms at all times.

 

 

Wait, no. The right for every American to feel no cloth upon their arms, to allow even the highest of soaring Eagles to witness the bareness of their arms, and indeed their patriotism.

 

 

I don’t want to nitpick, but it seems the one on the right is not exercising her constitutional rights.

 

 

Devs promise that Fallout 76 will be four-times larger than its predecessor. 

Anyone who has journeyed across Bethesda’s social wasteland discovers the same monumental feeling – are we there yet? For anyone who hasn’t experienced Fallout, it’s an experience of amateur cartography briefly interspersed with extreme bouts of extreme violence. And cash register noises. And stripping corpses. Good times.

However, with Fallout 76 on the horizon, the creators have casually mentioned that they’ve moved that horizon, promising gleeful dorks the world over that the map will be four times larger than what we experienced in Fallout 4. 

Yes, four. Four times the amount of pipe wielding raiders, atomic mosquito and settlements that suddenly need your help, despite the fact that you’ve never once in life met these people. I can’t wait!

 

 

Goat makes it to the Tony Awards, questions emerge of its past/what the fuck Broadway is.

This morning, or whenever it happened, a humble goat stepped the light fantastique, burned by the flashbulbs of acceptance. The goat, named Sparky clip-clopped down the rouge carpet of the Tony Awards to much fanfare.

But, this isn’t your standard Dali Anteater arty nutcasery, Sparky is a legitimate actor in a legitimate Broadway play, which again proves why I just don’t get art.

 

 

 

It’s emboldening to see the laziest tropes cross species. I’m sure that Sparky, much like every actor that falls off the bus at the Port Authority Terminal with Broadway stars in their eyes, is from some backwater farm in a backwater ‘burgh that no-one is ever heard of, and I’ll also assume that Sparky has to endure the collective bleat of jealousy when he comes home to visit.

That, or he left under the pall of darkness, disappearing over the familiar crests of his youth, knowing he’ll never return, knowing that there wasn’t anything left to say, so he left no note, nor explanation. Today’s sudden appearance on the storied carpet is an unexpected moment of catharsis and stress for his parents back home who took him for long dead. Is that Cletus? No, it couldn’t be. Cletus is dead. Baaahhhh.

We’re able to exclusively cross to the Sparky family farm in Nowhere, Texas for an exclusive interview.

TBS: Mrs Sparky, are you proud of your son’s success? Is there anything you want to say to him?

 

via GIPHY

 

 

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