Jordan King Lacroix

Abbott to take on Somalian jihadists…over their anti-plastic bag policy

As it turns out, a Somali jihadist group has more of a problem with plastic bags than Tony Abbott does. He surely can’t stand for that.

 

 

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott, who for some reason insists on his consistent relevance, yesterday announced his desire for a new conflict with Somali jihadist group al-Shabaab. The jihadist group was in the media recently stating their position on plastic bags, calling them a “serious threat” to “humans and livestock”.

Mr Abbott, still sore from the confusing transition at Woolworths to no more plastic bags, went on a tirade against the notorious group, emphasising that whatever they stand for “Australia is against”. He went on to say that he would not be bagged.

“I’ve got to say there aren’t that many opportunities for dissent in the party room these days,” Mr Abbott said. “No-one wants to rock the boat, and frankly, sometimes it’s necessary to rock the boat for our country’s sake.”

The speech went on for hours, saying how the use of plastic bags is “qualitatively Australian” and that a world without them was “a world gone mad”.

Although the plastic bag ban is a positive step forward towards saving our nation from pollutants, and in turn the world, Mr Abbott said he’ll “be damned” if he was going to take any advice on world-saving from “people like that”.

At the conclusion of his remarks, Mr Abbott stated that he wished to go in and destroy al-Shabaab with tactical military action, so that the people of Somalia may live “in peace and not have to pay the same price we Australians do”.

Prime Minister Turnbull is said to be quietly considering the idea.

 

Jordan King Lacroix

Jordan King-Lacroix was born in Montreal, Canada but moved to Sydney, Australia when he was 8 years old. He has achieved a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Sydney and McGill University, Canada, as well as a Masters of Creative Writing from the University of Sydney.

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