Matthew Reddin

One straight white man’s thoughts on the straight white men who vandalise memorials

Last night, a straight white male was charged with vandalising the Eurydice Dixon’s memorial. As a straight white male myself, I feel the need to comment. To set things straight.

 

 

If the brave new world of social media has taught us anything, it’s that Australia apparently now has a Bill of Rights incorporating free speech, which is nice, and that we can indulge in character assassination whenever we want to, because of said freedom. Which we don’t, technically, have. I’m delighted to take on board the fact that thanks to an independent and free-spirited Senator from South Australia, we can now say whatever it is we want without fear of repercussions, consequence or harm, because saying these things is free speech, and criticising white males (like me; suck it up, femmos!) is almost always just political correctness run amok.

We, white dudes, own everything, control everything, profit from everything. Nothing new here, it’s science. Consequences don’t seem to exist among my sort. Which is good to know, because from what I’ve gathered, consequences suuuuuuuuck.

So, if you don’t mind I’ll just run the gamut now, exercise my rights as a white male, and tear strips off someone; fuck consequences. I shan’t, per the sound Tweeted advice of comedian Kirsty Webeck, allow justice to run its course, because that’s sound advice, but she’s a sheila (a lesbian one at that), and I’m a man, and we can do what we want, because free speech and political correctness, ‘n’ that.

Victoria Police have charged a “comedian” from Melbourne with vandalism following an incident where the memorial for Eurydice Dixon was obscenely messed with. Now, personally, I’m not someone who feels compelled to draw a cock and balls at the site of a woman’s rape and murder, but there’s a dude out there who seems to not be burdened by similar self-restraint. Sure, he may not have done it. Sure, rule of law, all that. But the man who has been charged with this act of vandalism has a few other notches on the headboard of dickheadery, independent of the alleged act.

First of all, he’s an anti-vaxxer, or at least claims to be one (more on that in a minute). Now, let’s just pretend that science doesn’t matter, and just take a step back and realise that the true measure of a successful anti-vaccine campaign is a large pile of sick and dead children. Hey, look. Jayden has whooping cough and is in unimaginable anguish. Good work, everyone!

Secondly, this chinless turd has found his way onto Facebook and decided in the name of “gags” that he’d mock transgendered people. OK. Right, so here’s the thing: being a straight white male is awesome. It is in every conceivable sense, a privilege. We’re in power and control, like, globally, in case you hadn’t noticed.

Comedy, satire as we know it, takes much of its success from mocking those in power. Take the piss out of the most marginalised and mistreated people in society, and you’re picking a fight with a cripple. Dude. For fuck’s sake. Turn your ridicule inward. Gags aplenty.

 

Fuck him, and his likeminded brethren, playing the “real” victim when there are actual dead victims out there. True, not all men are rapists but nobody has been saying that they are.

 

Now, is this shitweasel actually transphobic or antivaxx? I’d wager actual folding money to the fact that he’s just doing it to be controversial, or to troll. He’s like Milo Yiannopoulos, without the fetching sunglasses and string of pearls. Making a career out of saying what most thinking primates would object to, not because it’s a stance you believe in, but because the libtard loony left cuck snowflakes will get worked up about it. That way you get clicks, you get noticed, you get the brand out there (you might even get elected to higher office, or a weekly column in the Murdoch press, or both). And maybe if you know how to string a joke together, you get laughs. No danger of that happening here. He’s like those gormless choades who pretend to be feminist hoping it’ll get them laid; spoiler alert…it usually doesn’t work, as your average feminist tends to be smarter than your average lying, horny idiot.

I’ve not mentioned the accused’s name here, on purpose. He’s probably doing all this for the attention, so I’ll deny him his moment of glory in this small corner of the Internet. The penalty for his act of vandalism-as-misguided-political-men’s-rights-activism is probably akin to the slap on the wrist. But I’d be very surprised indeed if he books another stand up gig in Melbourne after this, so, goodbye comedy career, genius. We’ll all be denied hearing that hilarious bit you had been workshopping about Caitlyn Jenner.

Sigh. Deep breath. Allow me, the cisgendered, straight, white, middle-aged, middle-income, middle-class, atheistic male from the suburbs, the one who “…likes football and porno and books about war”, to tell the kind of man who thinks that it’s just a joke to comically vandalise the scene of a sex crime, that you’re a dickhead. Being anti-vaxx makes you a dangerous idiot. Making light of the trans community makes you a coward and an imbecile who knows nothing about the very fundamentals of comedy – you don’t go after the marginalised. Do, and you’re a waste of space. You’re an oxygen thief, and the world in general would be a better place had you never been born. I do not speak solely for myself when I say this.

Fuck him, and his likeminded brethren, playing the “real” victim when there are actual dead victims out there. True, not all men are rapists but nobody has been saying that they are. All everyone wants and needs is for us, the men, to be better. And we will, just so long as we stop making stupid people famous. And electing other ones to Parliament.

There, rant over. I need a lie down. But it’s a good thing I did, right? Someone like me needed to. Thank god I was here. You’re welcome, society. Ladies, form a queue.

 

Matthew Reddin

Matt Reddin has been writing nonsense about film, TV, books, music and live theatre for a touch over 20 years. He’s gone from the halcyon days of street press in Perth, to regional dailies, national magazines and major metropolitan newspapers. Now, in between bouts of sporadically yelling at clouds, he vents his creative spleen at www.lessercolumn.com.au

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