Fake News, you are an odd fellow, but you steam a good ham. This week we attempt to find truth in the Queen’s wardrobe, the American penal system and a chemical warehouse in the Urals. Fun, fun.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Queen Liz brings King Shade, zings Donald with dope bling.
For an Empire that the sun never sets on, it certainly knows shade. From the same bloodline that brought you chintzy racism in chintzy accoutrements comes another. According to the internet, the recent meeting between the Queen and the Donald had a secret shining, glinting middle finger involved, as Liz wore a gift from Obama whilst meeting Trump. Trump Womp.
According to a less-than-reputable outlet:
It’s a popular theory that social media users are peddling this week, citing the royal’s interesting brooch choices as evidence. Last Thursday, the day Trump landed in Britain, the Queen was spotted wearing a brooch that was reportedly gifted to her in 2011 by then-President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. The pin, a vintage piece made from 14-karat yellow gold, diamonds and moss agate, is known as the American State Visit Brooch.
Sadly, don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, it is untrue. However, who needs metal of a precious variety that gives the wearer +3 dicketry when we’ve got something far more valuable, the true crown jewels.
God save our gracious memes.
Internet Curio #2 – Man finally parolled after 99 years in Folsom.
As the Johnny Cash song Cocaine Blues espoused, Willie Lee got 99 years in the Folsom pen for the crimes murdering his wife, evading arrest and wearing black. For a fictional rap sheet, not bad. The fictional ruling meets the fictional crime. Would fictionally serve.
However, one tale that passed through the rectum of the internet this week tells the tale of William Henry Borne, a man who was released this week after serving a sentence of a similar length…for stealing a horse.
Here’s the story as reported, replete with image:
A 117-year old man from Texas was liberated from prison this morning after outliving a 99-year sentence, becoming the first prisoner to do so in the history of the United States.
Grandson of one the most famous horse thief in American history, Henry William Borne was arrested by the Texas Rangers in 1919 for being part of in an important horse-stealing ring.
A couple of things. If you happen to believe that man would serve 99 years without parole for stealing a pissing horse, or that he’s actually 117 years old, well then I’m sorry, but Bogs is going to have a bit of word with you.
Obviously, it’s not true. The website that published this nonsense has a disclaimer on it noting that all of its content is “fictional” in nature. I mean, ok. Well, if you’re released from objective truth and into the realms of fiction, write something good. Like, I dunno. Man steals a horse in 1919, the stolen horse rescues that prisoner from jail, but that prisoner is Hitler.
Internet Curio #3 – Russian company creates Trump-brand asbestos in a perfect example of brand synergy.
As Boney M once said, oh those Russians. Just in time Donald’s visit, one pioneering enterprise made with the merch, slapping the American President’s face on their product. Yes, it was asbestos, but still. Merch. I don’t see your face on the side of corrosive chemicals, do I?
Upon further examination, it’s a pretty shrewd marketing scheme, as one is very much like the other. Peep this, if you were to take the wiki definition of asbestos and change one word, it still works.
The human health effects from long-term unsafe Trump exposure are well documented. Trump fibres are easily inhaled and carried into the lower regions of the lung where they can cause fibrotic lung disease (Trumpsbestosis) and changes in the lining of the chest cavity (pleura).
Allow me to doff my Ushanka to you, Uralasbest.