Fake News From the desk of Ivanka

Ivanka: Who really wrote the op-ed about dad

Direct from the White House, Ivanka explains the extreme measures being taken to help the public understand her dad.

 

 

I should like to make it absolutely clear that neither Jared nor I wrote that op-ed about Dad in the New York Times. We persuaded someone else to do it.

I’m amazed that it’s caused so much fuss. It’s simply part of a massive risk-management program involving everybody in the White House, including Melania, to ensure Dad doesn’t repeat the mess Maduro has made in Venezuela but on a much larger scale.

It’s so important for me not to have any illusions about Dad just because he’s family.

At times he can be a tyrannical, venal, egotistical, megalomaniac control freak, and at others a mendacious, amoral, inhumane narcissist who’s right up himself.

And it’s true that he treats all women like rejects from a Miss Universe pageant.

On the other hand however he does have a certain talent for making money and convincing a third of Americans that he’s the font of all wisdom, truth and virtue. Anyone who can manage something as unlikely as that obviously has something going for him.

As one of his senior advisers, I can testify to the fact that he never takes advice from anyone. So our role is gradually evolving towards doing whatever it takes to support Dad by stopping him stuffing the country.

Jared and I have had great success in deterring Dad from appointing Steve Bannon to the Supreme Court, awarding Putin the Congressional Medal Of Honour, imposing tariffs on all Chinese restaurants, incarcerating Dick Comey at Gitmo, and in persuading him not to refer to Hillary as a cross between Kim Jong-un and Lady MacBeth.

I’m particularly relieved that we managed to prevent him from pardoning Paul Manafort before he’d been convicted of anything.


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Jared and I have just started long-term contingency planning to convert the White House into a penitentiary in case it becomes the only way for Dad to retain staff. It’s true he wouldn’t be able to fire any of them but he could get them transferred to San Quentin.

Frantic efforts are currently underway by our brave yet determined senior adviser colleagues in the White House to deter Dad from recommending himself for a Nobel Peace Prize, accusing Stormy Daniels of asset stripping, moving the American Embassy in Jerusalem to a manger in Bethlehem and staffing it exclusively with virgins, sending regular Twitter encyclicals to the Pope, sending Elizabeth Warren a wigwam for Christmas, appointing Sean Hannity as his next Press Secretary, establishing a polling booth in Moscow to enable Edward Snowden, Putin and the GRU to vote in US Presidential elections, and appointing Robert Mueller to investigate whether the reduction in heating caused by global warming will have a detrimental effect on carbon emissions.

Another senior official in the White House is planning to write an op-ed in the New York Times revealing that since he’s become President, Dad has spent more time on torrid affairs than foreign affairs.

In the final analysis, Dad’s senior officials are dedicated to helping the public make up their minds whether he’s imponderable, implacable,  impossible, impregnable, implausible or impeachable.

 

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