Thursday, you’re beautiful. What happened while you were asleep? Well, London was attacked on two fronts, North Korea embarrassed itself, and Freud clicked his tongue from beyond the grave.
Morn-o! What happened while you were asleep? Well, the future of the EU got shakier, a river was granted human rights and our cricketers scored an overdue payrise.
And a good harmony day to you. What happened while you were asleep? Well, QandA took on fake news, the Turnbull gov made a point on 18C and a large chicken was…large.
“What do we have here?”, we coyly ask, as we pry open the pages of George Brandis’ diary, eyes ravenously scanning for the juiciest of goss. Turns out…we have a lot of nothing.
Ahh, Monday…can’t wait to shirk your challenges. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the White House fell under attack from stupidity, there were renewed calls for drug decriminalisation and 2017 claimed it’s next victim.
Sunday. The shortest day of the week – and what a week it was – with pettiness ruling, as Sean Spicer got nasty, and Peter Dutton outdid him, before McDonald’s cooked them both.
What day is it? What happened while you were asleep? Fine, comrade question. Snoop Dogg dropped a clown, the new ACTU boss didn’t mince words, and the five second rule was legitimised. Happy now?
Blergh. Morning. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the world’s Sperm is drying up, Malcolm Roberts tried out a new career and Sean Spicer surreptitiously bested the press gallery.
Tuesday, you minx. What happened while you were asleep? Abject stupidity, that’s what. A famous fictional Boaty was reborn a submarine, a woman with a famous name was sentenced and a famous rivalry turned sour.
Monday. Why always you? What happened while you were asleep? Beer met the bible to discuss same-sex marriage, NZ shot back into relevance and Breaking Bad, “the movie”, debuted.
One week closer to the pit. Hoorah. The week that was, featured some CIA secrets, the passing of a cartoonist and Pizza Hut bringing the ’90s back. Again.
Need. Coffee. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the Statue of Liberty went dark, Islamic State attacked a hospital in Kabul and Ikea gave into our complaints.
Morn-o! What happened while you were asleep? Well, Trump tabled his new ban, IMDb introduced an all female rating system and robots turned to the alt-Right.
Morning, all. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Korea’s awkward divorce got testy, 2pac and Biggie restarted their (bidding) war and Bakers Delight were reprimanded for an idea down with the kids.
Monday. Get away from her, you bitch. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Bob Hawke returned to the fold, Darwin didn’t get its cyclone and two F-35’s were defeated by a drizzle.
As far as weeks go, it was fairly tame. Trump gave a Presidential speech coated in platitudes, Barnaby Joyce was burnt by the limelight and there was a catastrophic snafu at the Oscars. Standard.
Sweet, loving Thursday. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Uber’s CEO abused Uber, Sydney’s summer heat tabulated, and Rugby’s first all-female panel.
O, Humpday. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the US people defended their President, George Brandis forgot important stuff, and the A-League expansion is off for the moment.
Good Tuesday to you. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the LNP banded together to vote down an abortion bill in QLD, Warren Beatty continued to defend his actions and Pokémon turned legal.
Happy Oscar morning, y’all. What else happened while you were asleep? Well, Turnbull doomed Indonesia with a selfie and Hayao Miyazaki unretired himself.
We’re taking a week off Trump, but it was still a week to forget. Tony Abbott returned to rock the boat, and a Michelin star was mistakenly awarded. But NASA discovered a system of Earth-like planets, so there’s still hope.