Well, it’s Monday, and with it, a spate of topics that make you complain in vowels. Overnight, Meghan Markle faced more racism, America got another disparate group and Chelsea Manning will run for the US Senate.
The more things change, the more they stay the same. In the week just gone, Donald crashed through the floor, an actor faced sexual harassment allegations and memes swept in to save us from ourselves.
Hooray for small calendar mercies. Sadly, James Franco, the memories of your parents or the Queen’s bra-fitter were not afforded the same. Chin-chin.
Man. This first week has really dragged. Overnight, Catherine Deneuve prompted a global click of the tongue, one parent had enough and over on Twitter, nothing happened.
Is it holidays again yet? Overnight, we saw a rather odd thing happen to the Sahara, the Lego Millennium Falcon shot down its fanbase and one Syrian boy practiced his gym selfie face.
Tuesday. No-one likes you. Sorry. Overnight, Wikileaks did something questionable, the police fielded allegations against Craig McLachlan and the friendzone re-emerged from the sea.
The first workday of the year. The horror. Overnight, we saw the laurels of victory planted on the sweaty shoulders of Sydney, Donald go the full Donald and Nick Kyrgios play against type.
Oh, Sunday. You’re gorgeous. In the week that has been, we’ve witnessed a tell-all book on Trump telling us what we already knew, the mercury rose in Victoria as did the blood alcohol content of some pioneering New Zealanders.
Earlier in the week, Malcolm momentarily broached the topic of an Australian Republic. It was quickly dismissed, and I say rightly so. It’s a complete non-issue.
Oh, life. You’re not right in the head. Overnight, we’ve witnessed another footballer immortalised poorly, Harvey Weinstein field threats and a start-up that may kill us all. Hyperbole alert!
Ugh. Morning. Overnight, Iran blamed everyone but themselves for their faults, 2018 cooked up two awful food trends and VICE suspended two executives over sexual allegations.
Good morning, lovely. Overnight, we’ve had more of the same from Donald, a man enjoying his retirement, and Lorde faced anti-semitic backlash.
2017, just please leave. You’ve upset everyone enough. You’ve frozen Donald Trump’s brain, Margaret Thatcher’s heart, and Alastair Cook’s feet. Boo, you.
Ah, the sweet nonsense period between Christmas and New Years. Sadly, the same abject insanity still rules, and it still involves Donald. Oh, joy.
The last work week of the year would unfortunately not go quietly, as Donald Trump eviscerated the taxation system, complicated violent sped through the Melbourne CBD and history was made at the end of a cuff.
Coffee. Need. Coffee. Overnight, Meryl Streep was the target of street artists, a truck fell into a rich man’s pool and Donald Trump passed his first piece of legislation twelve months into his Presidency.
Well, well, well. Overnight, Malcolm Turnbull did some late night disaster cooking, a man was arrested as a foreign agent, and Matt Damon stepped to the wrong side of history.
Well, it’s morning. In the hours beforehand, Barnaby Joyce did us proud, Prince George became our new deity, and Pam Anderson criticised Manus for a rather non-issue.
The Turnbull government has decided that punishing the victims of sexual abuses is more important than punishing those who perpetrated the acts.
Monday, you brute. Overnight we saw Vlad and Donald take the next step, North Korea invade Australia and one very rich man’s very stupid plan.
What a week it was. We were promised a different future, as the Democrats took down the Republicans, Malcolm saved his administration and the latest planet in the Star Wars galaxy was discovered.