As far as Sam Blacker is concerned, Mike Baird should cancel #SharkSummit so he can deal with the true menace of society: the selfie stick.
The menace of the sea.
And if you were to believe the media reports, the most dangerous killer in nature.
But you’d be wrong.
As it happens, there is something else far more destructive, and far more deadly, lurking on our sunburnt porch, waiting to strike. The selfie stick. Yes, it has been revealed that this year, selfie sticks have actually led to more deaths than the evil, toothy, pantomime villain of the deep.
Now I notice that while NSW Premier Mike Baird is at his fancy Shark Summit, he and his team have not yet taken a stand against the selfie stick menace. But the obvious statistics make it a forgone conclusion; it can only be a matter of when. I mean, they are concerned that sharks might kill the tourist trade, and since selfie sticks are regularly prey on tourists, it’s a threat that cannot possibly go unchecked.
Since our successive Australian Governments have been so good at dealing with “threatening” people and animals, why not implement these already successful strategies towards the deadly selfie stick threat:
Step 1. Netting:
Let’s kick it off with the super successful netting strategies that are used to stop sharks. If every single person is individually surrounded by a net – one that hangs close enough that they are unable extend a selfie stick – surely the problem is solved?
As the diagram outlines below:
Step 2. Containment:
We all remember that plan for Border Force and the AFP to stop people and check their visas on the streets of Melbourne. Well, there may be a slight breach of “people’s rights,” but what if we just ignored that and got the Federal Police to randomly spot check suspected “selfists” on the streets? Cuts directly to the root cause. It’s genius! Once the police can confidently state that the threat is contained, we head to…
Step 3. Culling:
The WA Government are massive advocates of the shark cull (and many in NSW want the same), and if they are successful enough to “solve” the problem of shark attacks, why not apply them to selfie sticks? Every selfie stick caught should be systematically melted down to make soup ladles for the impoverished, unemployed portrait photographers of the world.
I realise some of these strategies must seem extreme, but we must stop at nothing to eliminate the deadly threat of the selfie stick!
We alone cannot possibly hope to spread awareness of this solution, but by joining forces of those who already support such a method, the pro-shark cullers, I believe we can truly solve the SS problem. To get them on board, here’s the most alarmist image I could think of:
See you on the beach!