With the metadata laws now in force, Jordan King-Lacroix has made a vow to live a clean, boring internet life, entirely above suspicion.
In recent light of the police-state-level-powers given to the Australian Government and all of its affiliates by the new data retention laws, I have decided to change my life. These changes will be drastic and sweeping. I will become like Gandhi, wanting and needing nothing. This, I vow.
The laws allow any government body, at any time, to access the stored metadata (which remains stored for two years) without a warrant or anything resembling just cause.
“Those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear,” says every government official using Nineteen Eighty-Four as a guidebook. “These are for our safety.”
What they’ll find is mostly porn. So. Much. Porn. And, so, I will make the sacrifice; I will stop. My computer will become a sanctuary, a clean and pure shining beacon; of clothes, decency and increased stress levels—I mean, levels of increased self-worth.
It starts with me.
I will use the Internet only for information retrieval purposes. I will never edit Wikipedia or answer a question on Yahoo! Answers, nor will I post anything on Reddit. I will search for Government approved information, accessible by the glory and wonder of our benevolent leaders.
I will not post anything inflammatory on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. I will never dissent. I will not share anything about human rights violations in this country or others. I will dutifully post about my lunches, my loved ones, my pets. Their file on me will be so boring, so bland, so average, that it will be unbelievable. I will become a person of interest.
They will see me doing online shopping, but only from approved Australian outlets. I will watch all of my YouTube ads. I won’t even shop on the iTunes store because it will look and feel too much like downloading.
I will become one with myself and my computer. I will be whole and perfect and pure.
Or I could buy a $40 VPN (virtual private network), which is not only legal, it will easily circumvent this $300 million program.
Yeah, I think I’ll do that instead.