With Tony Abbott refusing to leave the party, Roger Pugh retells his modern day fairy tale about PM Scrooge and the Night before Spillsmas.
A Christmas Tale by Roger Pugh
‘Twas the night of the 13th September and all was well in the Scrooge household. The Prime Minister slept soundly so confident was he of tossing the Turnbull toe-rags in the spill scheduled for the following morn.
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light and Scrooge awoke to find Peter Costello standing at the bottom of his bed.
“I am the Ghost of Prosperous Christmases Past,” announced Peter.
“Wait a bit,” said Scrooge. “You’re not a ghost and this isn’t Christmas.”
“True,” responded Peter. “But I decided to get into the spirit of things early because you’re screwing up so badly this couldn’t wait ’til Christmas.”
“Well,” said Scrooge, “you can take your premature Christmas pantomime and shove it up the independent arseholes in the Senate. They’ve been blocking so many things of mine recently that it’s high time somebody blocked one of theirs.”
“Take heed Scrooge,” said Peter, “if you don’t stop your miserly surplus-at-all-costs ways, Australians will cop a crap co-payment Christmas.”
“In the true spirit of Christmas,” said Scrooge, “Australians will thank me from the bottom of their bankruptcies when I declare a Scrooge surplus.”
“Mark my words Scrooge,” warned Peter sternly. “If you don’t stop being such a tight-arse you’ll end up in a Salvation Army Hostel with Clive.”
“Bah humbug,” said Scrooge.
Not two hour later another blinding flash of light announced the arrival of Julia Gillard.
“I am the Ghost of Carbon Reduced Christmases Present,” announced Julia with gusto.
“Well if it hadn’t been for me,” said Scrooge, “Australians would be about to suffer a $30 a tonne carbon tax Christmas.”
“Your time of reckoning is nigh,” said Julia chillingly, “because you will pay a terrible price for condemning Australians to claustrophobic Christmases with temperature increases above two degrees Celsius.”
“What contentious crap,” exclaimed Scrooge. “Christmas just isn’t Christmas without carols and carbon emissions!”
“Heed this warning well, Scrooge” said Julia menacingly. “Because if you fail to take effective action against climate change, you’ll be the first to feel the heat.”
“Bah humbug,” said Scrooge.
Just an hour later there was a flash of light even more scintillating than the previous two and Scrooge awoke to the presence of Malcolm.
“I am the Ghost of Prosperous Christmases Future,” announced Malcolm grandly.
“As I told that consummate crapbag Costello,” said Scrooge sneeringly, “it ain’t Christmas and as luck would have it, you’re no ghost.”
“That’s where you are wrong” explained Malcolm, “because all my Christmases are about to come at once and whilst it’s true I’m not a ghost, I am your worst nightmare.”
“Piss off you centre-right schmoozed,” hissed Scrooge, “and go and join your inner-city latte-sipping mates in the Greens.”
“I have come,” said Malcolm even more grandly, “to relieve you of your prime ministerial position.”
“Don’t make me laugh” said Scrooge scornfully. “You’d need a majority of Coalition members to do that.”
“Alright you can come in now guys,” called Malcolm. And with that fifty-four members of the Coalition parliamentary party filed into Scrooge’s bedroom.
“It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas,” said Malcolm. “And now all Australians can once again look forward to celebrating the true spirit of Christmas.”
“Bah humbugger me,” said Scrooge.
“God bless us one and all,” said Tiny Tim Flannery.