Aside the from the lazy tennis pun, it’s an extremely serious case this week, as we seek a just sentence for Maria Sharapova.
Quiet, please. As Russian tennis siren(!) Maria Sharapova flunked a drug test this week and placed a red question mark on her storied career, we ask the Court of Public Opinion: has Maria suffered enough? Are the neg vibes and loss of income just, or are the administerial overlords at fault? Or is the whole issue null, because whatever the ruling, Sharapova will still be heard in a court?
The crime: Purported usage of a banned substance, unregulated noise pollution and excessive artistic license infringement in an apology letter:
“That’s when I realised a bunch of tinted windowed cars were following me. The good old paparazzi, back on the trail…I have not been online much except the odd search for a new antique coffee table (random, I know), but my friends made a collage for me with all your beautiful messages and hashtags that you created (#IStandWithMaria and #LetMariaPlay). I spent the afternoon reading them next to my dog, who couldn’t quite understand why this was more important than the walk he was expecting to take” – Maria Sharapova
The punishment: The defendant (Ms Sharapova) will be absolved of all charges, if she chooses to assist the ITF (International Tennis Federation) in seeking out the sources of drug proliferation in professional tennis. Or in layman’s terms, the defendant will “turn snitch.” The defendant will be required to wear a recording device at all times on tour, and will gain evidence by querying her fellow professionals if they have imbibed drugs recently. If so, the defendant will then seek out the location of said drugs. When she has located a, or the, supplier(s) she will then alert the ITF/WADA task force by the agreed upon signal – Juror Marcel
Sharapova will be press-ganged into (unpaid) service, providing the voice talent for a forgetful pterodactyl in the next rubbish Jurassic Park remake – Andrew
Ahoy TBS jurors! Can you think of a more fitting punishment for Maria Sharapova? If so, pop it in the comment section below.
Best punishment bags you the honourable (and printed) title of TBS Kangaroo Court Judge for the WHOLE week! (It’d look good on the res!)