TBS Newsdesk

While you were asleep: NK exposes member, Biggie and Pac’s death race, watchdog bites sad children


Approx Reading Time-10Morning, all. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Korea’s awkward divorce got testy, 2pac and Biggie restarted their (bidding) war and Bakers Delight were reprimanded for an idea down with the kids.




North Korea fires flirty come hither phallic metaphor at country next door, world grows tired of obvious sexual tension.

Now, allow me to add a caveat. The split of North and South Korea was a bloody affair, further enabled by Harry Truman’s mob turning up to make the whole thing a menage that no-one wanted in on – and couldn’t get out of, until eventually after many bodies were stacked in many piles, the two forces came together to draw a line across the country exactly where it was prior to the start of proceedings.

It was a split which resulted in the rearming of the US, and gave us Alan Alda. Add to that, there was always the looming “one of these days, maybe” type threat of the two parties getting back together. It would start as a dust-up in the carpark, before their grappling would regress into some Frenching, and ultimately copulation, enabled by the confusing, primordial physical exertion of limbs, hips powered by repressed inter-generational anger. Blergh.

The possibility of the above has shifted yet again with North Korea lobbing a series of missiles – all of which were banned (aka the best kind) – into the sea about 1,000 kilometres off NK’s shore, which prompted the grouping of diplomats south of the border.

On behalf of the rest of the world, nuclear-armed border disputes are a very bad thing. And a very bad thing that’d drag the rest of the western world into it by proxy (again) would also be a very bad and stupid thing, indeed. No-one wants that. Come on now, guys. Book a hotel, room service some wine for yourselves and work it out.

It’s for all of us, yeah?


Tupac and Biggie fight it out beyond the grave, auction house chosen as arena for post-death death-match.

Move over, Jimmy Dean’s haunted Porsche, because there’s a new celebrity-flavoured death vehicle on the lot. The car, which also doubled as a plinth for deceased rapper/hypnotist/juice manufacturer, the Notorious B.I.G., has sold for a frankly ludicrously not-at-all-ludicrous figure of 1.5 million of your earth dollars.

Just to recap, this is the car that Biggie was shot to death in.

The story gets even more eye-rollingly stupid, as the previous owner of the car (the one that’s not Biggie) had no idea of the history of the whip and used it as the family runabout, which sounds roughly the same as unknowingly using the Shroud of Turin as a drop cloth when you renovate your second bathroom. Just a quick shoutout to the 1% who own a second bathroom in which to renovate. Holla!

However, if you prefer not giving a fig over the increased problems with an increased income, Tupac Shakur’s deathmobile, a BMW 750iL, is also going to auction and looking for an identical figure. It seems even in death, they remain in competition.

Can’t you two just get along?


Bakers Delight’s spruce goose shot down by ad-men naysayers.

Typing this sentence makes the 10-year-old within warble in derision, eyes watering in the introductory grips of an 8.5 magnitude tanty, but here goes: Bakers Delight, the starch-based scallywags and saviours to thousandfold hangovers, have got themselves into a giant ricotta and spinach of a legal loaf, as they’ve been pulled-apart by some advertising watchdogs who howled at the sight of the below treat as a lunchtime staple:

Legislative cockblockery aside, The Big Smoke would love to have one of these turn up in our lunchbox, and would thoroughly enjoy it, prior to falling into that spiralling pit of regret.


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