Fake News. Look at your beautiful lying face. Sure, I’ll go out with you. Fidget Spinners, Donald Trump and the lethal banana headline the bulltwang. Which do you believe?
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Internet Curio #1: Fidget Spinners invade space, earth may be next.
As T. S. Eliot, creator of the Fidget Spinner once wrote as part of the marketing pitch for this product: “…this is how the world ends.”
It seems like death’s other kingdom seems to be kept in the fingers of our progeny, or lurking on the breakfast tables, because the day judgement is upon us. The Fidget Spinner has already overtaken the skies above us, as they spin above, in their mocking revolutions.
As you can see from footage that somehow Tweeted itself onto the earth below, we’re unsure if those who survived the attack are now prisoners or allies of the invading force. There’s a lot we don’t know. But one fact is clear. It is their galaxy now.
A fidget spinner in space! How long does it spin? I’m not sure, but it’s a great way to experiment with Newton’s laws of motion! pic.twitter.com/5xIJDs2544
— Randy Bresnik (@AstroKomrade) October 13, 2017
The question surely must turn to the Fidgets who already surround us. Bold, unblinking action is the key. We must survive the gripes, tears and complaint of our tiny loved ones, and start stockpiling hostages to be able to bargain when the greater invasion arrives. Look to the skies. In terror!
Internet Curio #2: Internet comes up with banana lethal dose, good day for innuendo.
The potassium overdose. No longer just a loose sexual euphemism for those high on libido, but low on know how. Word around the Internet campfire is that if you digest seven of the yellow devil’s fingers, then thy shall meet their maker.
Well, unfortunately, and much like most things on the Internet (spoiler alert), it isn’t true. To a certain degree. Which you certainly won’t die eating seven bananas at once, your social standing will certainly be murdered, while you watch, mouth full, confused, asking “whuh?”
For those interested in the murderous science of that particular bunch, the chemical element potassium is vital for the continued healthy functioning of your adrenal glands, which are located on top of your kidneys and composed of two parts, the medulla and the cortex. The amount of potassium one takes in from eating a single banana is about 422 mg, while the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of potassium for adults is about 4,700 mg per day. So the average adult could safely consume eleven bananas per day and still be taking in less potassium than is recommended as a healthy daily amount.
Internet Curio #3: Cards Against Humanity geographically cockblocks TrAdministrationtion.
I’ll be honest. You got me, Cards Against Humanity. I don’t know I trusted why you, you the shady nabobs who illustrated the depths of my mother’s kink. And yes, it’s exactly what you think, and please god take me now.
Anyway. So, while they ruined my life, I gave them the opportunity to fix what they’ve done. And fix it they certainly attempted to do, by promising to tear down the walls of the Trump adminstration, by cockblocking his border wall.
We are back on our bullshit: https://t.co/Im3XTvoezM
— Jenn (@jenndangerous) November 14, 2017
And I believed them. See! I even wrote a piece about it.
However, is it true? Can a board game ruin a Presidency? In the case of Richard Nixon, perhaps Wack-a-mole. For Donald Trump? Time will indeed tell.