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A stirrer’s open letter to Bill Shorten

Britt Stirrer, the NSW Branch Secretary of the Disruptive Services Union has been kind enough to share the letter he has just sent to Bill Shorten.



Hi Bill,

Thought I should give you a heads up on how pissed-off our members are about the current performance of the Opposition and you in particular.

Only a week or so ago we were ecstatic at the prospect of you enjoying Christmas lunch at The Lodge. The Opposition were all lining up to get fired by the Supreme Court and we were assured by you that the Labor Party was a dual-free zone.

Now suddenly Malcolm has led us to the gay marriage paradise while Labor is left looking like a dual’s paradise.

I must say it would be a great service to the Labor Party if China granted Sam Dastyari dual Aussie-Chinese citizenship and got him tossed out of parliament. It seems to me he was a sleeper agent who got a very rude awakening.

What you have to understand Bill is that our members don’t make regular contributions to the Labor Party just to indulge their philanthropic instincts. They expect a worthwhile payback on their investment like you becoming PM in 2019 at the very latest and then immediately getting rid of the ABCC, bringing on a Royal Commission into Abbott and Turnbull, restoring weekend penalty rates at a level at least thirty percent higher than previously, decreeing that unions should get profit sharing before shareholders and legalising all the things that Sally McManus and John Setka are currently forced to do illegally.

We’re even beginning to doubt your assessment that the Coalition will find it hard to win toilet seats at the next election.

We were very disappointed at the ease at which Barnaby sailed back into Parliament and we’re convinced that Kristina’s going to struggle in Bennelong unless Eddie Obeid can do some power broking on her behalf by getting out on day release.

If you feel like things are slipping away just say the word and we’ll relaunch our Work Choices campaign for the fourth time.

We’ve got to stop Malcolm finally winning a Newspoll at all costs because it could be as big a game-changer as Trump recognising Rooty Hill as the capital of Australia.

Look Bill to be fair we’ll give you until Easter to get your arse into gear. If by then it’s still misfiring we’ll have to start charging up Albo and the Faceless Men. It looks like we’ll have to start finding new Faceless talent however because most of the originals have either written books, become the leader of the Opposition or been found to be two-faced citizens by the Supreme Court.


Brotherly yours,$




There are currently frantic efforts on all sides of politics to prove that Britt Stirrer is a dual citizen and so head off his propensity to bring politics into further disrepute by entering the Senate as a Labor candidate at the 2019 election.

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