TBS Newsbot

Russia thaws cryogenic industry, wants you while you’re still alive

Currently, the legal way to save yourself for the future is after you’re already dead. However, one company from Russia wants to freeze you while you’re still alive.



John Wayne. Walt Disney. Your mum. Three great antagonists frozen in time set to be thawed at a date unknown. Yes, cryonics. Cryogenic freezing is the lazy sci-fi trope/broken scientific method that somehow will not evaporate, despite no-one outside of fiction actually using it.



The latest attempt in order to monetise this moral cold snap comes from Russia, and perhaps we should pay attention to it. After all, they know how to put the ‘you’ in utopia in the midst of a winter that never ends.

The obviously named KrioRus are setting up shop in the land of apathy, Switzerland, where euthanasia is very much legal, herr direktor. That fact is important, as part of this new process involves freezing the candidate while they’re still alive. Which presents a rather large bowl of legal kasha.

As is stands, you can only freeze yourself after you’re legally dead. Which, a) makes no sense and b) takes all the fun out of it. You’re dead, your goose is cooked. It doesn’t matter if you pop it in the freezer for later, you’re leftovers.

Bitterly, the founders of KrioRus have used another godless future technology in order to fund their godless future technology: cryptocurrency. The fools, the damn fools. Anyway, whether their scheme comes to pass (they also plan to shoot frozen bodies into space) or not, the average time-traveller/person in denial about the pointlessness of their existence should expect to pay anywhere between $35,000 and $200,000 for the service.

However, for those who are looking to see the future on a budget should probably wait out the market, as Mark Hall, spokesman of the Stem Project (I love their music) pointed out to The Daily Mail:

‘I think in a few years it will be possible to have whole warehouses that are one giant facility, although you wouldn’t want to walk through them. That would significantly reduce the price.’

Why not fly economy to the future? You can be as cheap in 2518 as you were in 2018. Brave new world.

Although, there is a point I’d like to tentatively raise. In theory, I want to see the future. You know, live beyond my years and see the future wonders and all that. However, practicality is a mutated mole rat. Veterans of the wasteland will be familiar with the feeling that the future is often a trial which is often not that fun. Trying to search for your disappeared progeny, or indeed a greater purpose often takes a back seat to laboriously pillaging every abandoned desk drawer for the glue one needs to pimp their tire iron.

Even if the bombs don’t fall, and all is indeed well, I can’t imagine that the future will be that different. And yes, I admit that we’re far more developed than we were in 1960, but according to them, 2018 is the distant future. But, our cars still do not fly, nor do they fold neatly into a briefcase, and we certainly cannot walk on the roof. While we might well ask about the location of our hoverboard, I believe that the beauty of the future is not knowing. That way we can die with our fantastic assumptions never refuted by the cold hands of truth. Bam, Hoverboard.

So, by all means, freeze yourself. But, sometime in the future, when you wake up, and things are not all that different, please visit my fatigued tombstone and admit that I was right.

Or urinate on it.

Whatever, I won’t care, I’ll be dead.