2018 might end up being many things, but according to the food trends so far, we know it’s going to taste weird.
If 2016 was the year of beloved celebrities going the Bambi route, and 2017 was the one where we took annual leave of our senses, then 2018 might well be the one where we lump every foodstuff into a pot and attempt to pass it off as passable.
In fact, the infant year, a mere 25 days old, has managed to hurl an amazing spectrum of masticated tat on table, already promoting the breakfast pastry from France that has the seafood filling from Japan in the Crossushi, and the gallic gentleman who decided to pimp the humble oyster, exhibiting a brand new rainbow paint job of lemon, ginger and raspberry flavours.
We don’t know. What we do know is that these people decided to play food-God but didn’t stop to wonder if they should.
However, what we can do is speculate. So, consider the following a lazy traipse (which requires numerous bathroom stops) around the table of food trends to be in the year to come.
Meat alternatives that taste just like the real thing.
I might be overthinking this, but those who choose the vegan life choose to reject meat in all its forms, a meaty option on the vegan fare might be seen as a betrayal of that choice. Only do the most casual of vegetarians among us (like myself) openly long for the moist borders of a porterhouse on pub trivia evenings. Vegans, it must be said, don’t openly follow the same course. That being said, if vegans are reading this, and do care for the taste of meat, but not the application of producing it, feel free to sledge me in the comments.
Despite by impaired assumptions, there’s a boom market afoot, lead by the Jackfruit, a meaty fruit that tastes like meat. However, the tip of the ethically cleaved fleshberg grows well below the surface, as the people of pop-science are concurrently devising a way to create a vegan meat that bleeds. Which, of course, goes against the Ahnuld rule, in that if something bleeds, you can kill it, which in turn, goes against the vegan commandment of not spilling blood for the sake of dinner.
Beyond that, they’re also engineering cream-less cream desserts that taste like cream. How you may ask?
Through the manipulation of nuts.
The root-to-stem movement.
The land of the vegetable is an unnecessarily phallic one. But who to blame is less important than weathering the storm itself. Cresting over the hill, and darkening the clouds above your kitchen is the root-to-stem push, whereupon we’re thrust into changing our approach, squatting, legs akimbo above the bin, retrieving the pieces of wet detritus you cast into that crevice.
— Aaugritaa Caterers™® (@Aaugritaa) January 14, 2018
The apparent tenets of the movement stem from a simple concept. We must value the pieces of waste that we didn’t value before. Carrot stems, the uglier hands of your Coriander bush, the skins of the sweet potato, all will now be utilised and turned into pesto, or paste, or ramshackle stew.
Brevity aside, considering the amount of food we waste, it might actually be something positive in the rolling sea of fleek.
Man. We were one dropped consonant away from brilliance: a year of superpowers being trendy. One can dream. My superpower would be to barely buff clickbait into something barely palatable. One can dream. Dream, one can. So, while x-ray vision may have to wait until 2019, the rise of the super powder is upon us. Consider them the culinary version of the Justice League, a riotous visceral experience featuring a cast you’ve all seen before.
Spirulina, kale, roots, turmeric. All four will now group to fight the evils of carbs, toxins and breakfasts from England.
I’m just going to say it. Pretty safe lineup, guys.
When two of your favourites shack up, there’s a giddy rush of euphoria followed by the caustic pang of logic, as you wonder if it’s actually a good thing. Personal example: Francis Ford Coppola and tantric sex. Separately, wonderful, but their kids would be…blergh.
However, some (mad) genius decided that the world of coffee twas not varied enough, and decided to add portobello to their tumeric latte. Why? There are no reasons why. Because.
Here’s What Happened When I Drank Mushroom Coffee For A Month https://t.co/XIDoxnHzrP – interesting read for someone like me who used to lots of coffee and cut down to a few espressi a day. Would mushroom coffee work for someone with a quorn intolerance?!
— Volker Ballueder 💥 (@ballueder) January 12, 2018
That being said, we should take it seriously, as one of the few things that we Australians take seriously is our coffee culture. We’re snobs of the highest shoulder. Our orders are needlessly complex, and we gladly socially fillet anyone who has the gall to order “a coffee.”
Ha. You philistine.
So, be prepared to add further suffices to your morning mumble, as we should expect to see mushroom varieties like reishi, chaga and cordyceps freely available. Whole Foods claim that the rise of the ‘shroom will be due to the wellness it promotes.
We Australians know the truth. Catch you in the coffee line. But don’t you dare attempt to make conversation with me.