Fake News

Bill flashes leftie signal over the streets of Melbourne (to the ballot-boxes, Batman!)

Frank Rarely, our man in Canberra reflects on Labor’s chances of victory in the Batman by-election. To the greensmobile!



There is much speculation on how far left Bill Shorten is prepared to turn to win the Batman by-election campaign, now that the light has turned Green.

He’s obviously prepared to go as far as Ged Kearney but perhaps not quite as far as Sally McManus, because that would mean a far left turn down a one-way street with no right turn whatsoever.

He’s currently going as far as representing the Adani mine as a huge black hole in the Coalition’s climate change policy and a coal-fired Indian takeaway.

Experts believe it is possible Bill could even go as far as promising to restart people smuggling operations and redeploy Operation Sovereign Borders to prevent businesses moving offshore once he announces his corporate taxation policy. He might also promise strong disincentives for business to declare profits because they upset the unions so much.

Almost certainly he’ll announce a breakthrough initiative to tackle the global refugee crisis. The Australian fleet’s sole mission would likely become patrolling the world to pick up refugees and then dropping them off back here.  Sarah Hanson Young would be the obvious captain’s pick to command the operation. It is anticipated that this initiative could double the Australian population by 2030 but only if the twenty-five million currently here decide to stay.


He’s currently going as far as representing the Adani mine as a huge black hole in the Coalition’s climate change policy and a coal-fired Indian takeaway.


Bill is confidently expected to capitalise on the current popularity of gay marriage by promising to make it compulsory by 2025. This could prove a great blessing for people like Barnaby Joyce.

There is a distinct possibility he could even go as far as nominating Julia and Kevin as the first President of the Australian Republic and leaving them to fight it out for the job.

As matter of urgency, he needs to make the ABC an official arm of the Labor Party in case they start running a Batman series in support of the Greens.

Bill will undoubtedly propose changing the date of Australia Day to commemorate his finest hour when he saved the country by stabbing Kevin.

It would be a no-brainer for him to extend Section 18C to cover snide remarks about Gillian Triggs and Pink Batts, claims that he’s a dual citizen and criticisms of the South Australian Government’s power policy as assault and battery.

He is expected to announce his intention to appoint Tony Abbott’s sister as his minister for LGBTI Affairs, the CFMEU to run Fair Work Australia and his plan to fund a museum to showcase the First Bloke’s historic contribution to Men’s Sheds.

If all that fails to resonate in Batman he could declare himself to be the new Che Guevara, or persuade Ged to change her name to Robin.





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