Donald Trump making it easier to buy guns, Barack Obama’s Black Panther cameo and a lunar hoax that smells very distinctive. Welcome to the fourth circle of news hell.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Internet Curio #1: The Donald makes guns easier to buy in the wake of Florida.
Obviously, we’ve got the whole gun issue wrong. The true solution to control in the United States is giving everyone a gun. Which, I mean, if everyone is packing and has the power to take a life, then the concept of the innocent bystander is surely dead, right?
It makes complete sense. The Americans have long been the surfers of the new wave, creating true genius before the rest of us dimwits get it. Baseball. Jazz Music. A completely armed nation.
To achieve this end, the archaic remains of the ruinous old thought processes must be stripped away, torched to start anew. Example: Barack Obama’s weak restrictions that do not allow the mentally unwell to buy weaponry. Surely that must go. The only true safety is the index finger on your right hand.
The Obama rule would have prevented an estimated 75,000 people with mental disorders from being able to purchase a firearm. It was crafted as part of Obama’s efforts to strengthen the federal background check system in the wake of the 2012 massacre of 20 young students and six staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.
The rule was rescinded using a legal procedure called the Congressional Review Act, which, prior to the Trump Administration, was obscure and little-used. It allows regulations passed in the final days of one administration to be rescinded with a simple majority vote. The Senate sent their repeal of the Obama-era measure for Trump’s signature on 15 February 2017 — almost a year before the Parkland shooting to the day — and Trump signed it into law the next week, on 28 February 2017.
So, well done, Don. We’re quite close to the armed utopia that represents the new America. Although, I hate to take the imitation cheese out of your breakfast waffle, but dude, we Australians have already done it.
Like ages ago.
Internet Curio #2: Image emerges depicting Barack’s Black Panther cameo.
On the other side of the political gunsight, an image emerged on the interwebs that displayed the President of some of our hearts, Barack Obama, as a member of the uber militant 1960s cadre The Black Panthers, replete with a scowl that indicates a severe lack of fucks he has to give for the white devil. Also, he’s smoking inside. Stop, Barack, you know I have a boyfriend.
Sadly, the image is false, which is to say that there is some element of truth to it. What the above image represents is a leaked pre-production image involving Obama’s cameo in Marvel’s upcoming Black Panther sequel. Now, details at this stage are sketchy, but considering that the sequel is apparently set to be a far grittier, far more realistic tone, apparently involving the heroes of Wakanda influencing the black power movement, the first black President of the United States is a rather suitable dude to make a cameo. Makes sense, right?
It does, but I lied. Soz.
But it’d be a sick idea, right? A grittier Do the right thing effort, replete with lycra and a Presidential cameo.
Get me Hollywood.
Internet Curio #3: The ‘Green’ Moon represents the highest of lunar hoaxes, man.
And finally, allow me to vent my spleen all over this lunar ambition we all suddenly have. Not too long ago, we endured the Super Blue Blood Moon, a natural phenomenon that only the dead can reference.
Those who were unfortunate enough to live in Sydney on the big evening was greeted by majestic candor of the cosmic ballet, to whit:
Which actually makes us fortunate, as it was neither blue nor red. It was just ssslliiggghhhtttllyy bigger. Sadly, it seems that the “Green Moon” is the next great fad, which I’m willing to lazily label ‘The Poochie’ of cosmic happenstance, as the Internet would very much like you to care, with one English publication going so far as stating: “…why you should unfriend anyone who shares ‘green moon in April’ Facebook status.”
I guess. But wouldn’t it be easier to remain friends with these people and just quietly mock their stupidity to everyone else in the friend circle? You know, like normal people?
my sweet Grandma shared this on Facebook today. she really thought there was going to be a green moon pic.twitter.com/MRtOgP9qKR
— kayla ree (@cartkayl) February 20, 2018
Also, Green moon on the 20th of April. Get it?
I didn’t I had to have it explained to me. Apparently, it’s of the drugs.