TBS Newsbot

While you were asleep: Assange loses internet privileges, Roseanne reboot soars, rubber duckie goes viral

Hooray for insanity. Overnight, Julian Assange got totally grounded, Roseanne returned with a warbling vengeance and the humble rubber duckie went viral. Literally.

 

 

Parents take away Julian Assange’s internet, doesn’t allow him to play outside.

No, Julian Assange can’t come on to MSN to chat, he’s grounded. Assange’s step-parents, the Ecuadorian Government, have decided to remove his internet privileges after they discovered their dear Julian decided to not do his homework, and instead start a fight on the ‘web.

 

 

Tsk tsk tsk.

The slap on the wrist came after your mother and I discovered those very not nice things you were saying about Moscow. Did you say she was behind the poisoning of that Sergei Skrillex character? First, what business is it of yours? and where are your sources, Julian? You can’t just make things up, we all need to be responsible on the internet. Second, have you taken into effect how Moscow would feel? What if someone just made threats against you, just because they could. That wouldn’t be very nice, would it?

Think about it. So, no internet for the rest of the month, young man.

Goddamn it, Julian. Did you change the Wi-Fi password?

 

Roseanne returns to the screen, for some reason America is cool with it. Daaaaannnnnn!!!

Roseanne was a 90s staple that I watched, purely because it was 1997, the street lights were out, and I had both no friends and a crush on the weirdo daughter that I couldn’t really explain. Or justify. Anyway, for those who missed it, Roseanne circled around a working-class family in ‘Murica who came together every week to yell at each other. The person who could yell the best was the matriarch, the titular Roseanne. Someone was also dead, I forget.

However, because nothing is original, and we can never have nice things, 2018 has stirred from the wrong side of the bed, and produced a Roseanne reboot, one that charts her three tours of Vietnam, and her inability to find her place back at home, because she’s changed, and America has too. That’s what the show would have been if they had picked up my treatment, but no. Creativity is dead.

 

 

Last night, the show debuted and something strange happened. People actually watched it. A successful reboot. The rarest of jewels.

 

 

In fact, the gaudy figures represent the best that a sitcom has accomplished in quite some time. It’d be foolish to presume that we’ll all fall rebuild sitcom Rome on the back of one episode, but if we’re doing requests, can we rejig Northern Exposure next? I’ve got an idea. So the Moose, right, goes to Vietnam and can’t handle the horrors of everyday life…

 

 

Science discovers the bathtub mallard a serious harbinger of bacterial disease.

If one grew up attempting to find their way to Sesame Street (no-one really gave us direct directions) you’d be familiar with Ernie’s best friend in the entire world, rubber duckie. Quick aside, I wonder how Bert felt after Ernie dropped that very famous EP, that unequivocally put him in his place. However, while rubber duckie might have made bath time lots of fun, it also turns out that he’s a harbinger of infectious disease.

Researchers from both Switzerland and America, two vastly different people linked by the fact that they’re both keen wasting their talents on such a plastic topic have discovered that the bath-going subspecies of duck hold a frankly blergh sounding amount of bacteria disease, including the Legionella and Pseudomonas aeruginosa, those “often implicated in hospital-acquired infections.”

 

 

Yes, the standard plastic mallard might hold a mind reeling 75 million bacterial cells per square centimetre, but perhaps that’s why Ernie never got sick. That or he’s just a terribly selfish roommate with another person’s hand up his bum. Either or.

 

 

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