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Celebrity crowdfunding: Don’t call it panhandling, bruh

Crowdfunding is questionable at the best of times, however, when a celebrity of questionable celebrity gets on board, look out.



Crowdfunding. Or, to use its casual soubriquet, I can’t believe it’s not panhandling. I’m unsure why it gets a social pass, maybe because it possesses an IP address and an air of class. Like one of those olde time transients with a stovepipe hat. It’s begging, but it’s not that desperate for our sovereigns.

For many, it’s been the easy way to skive off the populace, circumventing the usual time-honoured trade of passable talent for the smallest of change, it’s the grifting autotune. Everyone can sing for their supper, especially if they can’t sing. And especially if the project they need everyone else to pay for is fucking stupid.

I don’t want to stuff a shirtless man in a pigeonhole, but let us start this tale of unfortunateness with a bra-boy. Koby Abberton, the prodigal son of both Today/Tonight journalism and South-Sydney organised crime decided to trade Maroubra for the fertile shale of the motherland, Bali, deciding to live the dream brah and turn to crowdfunding to complete his renovation of a villa that was damaged by a mysterious fire. In the name of objective journalism, Abberton set the blaze, setting Instagram afire with his towering screams for help: “I destroyed someone’s house and next day after the fire the roof fell down, and I will fix what I ruined whether it’s my villa or not. I don’t run away.”

K-Dogg raised $11,000 before the media came knocking on the door with a please explain. Well, not the actual door, as it was presumably destroyed in the aforementioned blaze. So, the moral pivot is obvious. Kody doesn’t run from his problems, but he certainly requires help with them.

Which, to be fair, is fairly enough. Every handout needs an accompanying sob story.

However, a complete lack of discernable talent is not the only qualifier for e-hobo-ery, as even our lord, prophet and saviour Yeezus Christ, has fallen victim to the claws of the daemon crowdfund. After Kanye announced that the debts accrued whilst recording The Life of Pablo totalled $53 million, one pioneering Westite took it upon himself to bailout god, amazingly raising $7000 on goodwill. Jeremy Piatt, the fan in question, stateth: “We must open our hearts and wallets for Kanye today. Sure he is personally rich and can buy furs and houses for his family, but without our help, the true genius of Kanye West can’t be realised.”

Yeah. Shame that album was mostly about slut-shaming Taylor Swift and the merits of a bleached arsehole. That, and Jesus.

I guess the case can be made that the donations you give to the insane sexualised pseudo-religious based ramblings of your usual tunnel-dwelling homeless chap are not that far off a Grammy win. So, consider crowdfunding fine in that regard. Just as long as he didn’t burn down his own house.


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