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While you were asleep: Serena serves Markle, Holidayers catfished by hotel, Tasmania to best French wine

Friday, you spectacular lover. I know you’ve had better. Overnight, Serena Williams stole the spotlight from Meghan Markle, someone was disappointed on holiday and Tasmania started a culture war against France.

 

 

 

Serena Williams serves Meghan Markle, states that her dad disappointed her long before this Saturday.

Move over, Miss Markle. It seems that the other Princess that holds English court, Serena Williams has already aced paternal matrimony disappointment, as the Internet discovered that Serena’s father didn’t turn up to her wedding long before Markle’s dad is scheduled not to show up (TBC) to Saturday’s Royal wedding.

 

 

Yes, Serena. You’re very good. Meghan got served. But it’s her day, dude. I know love means nothing in Tennis, but it means a lot to her. That goes for you too, Poppa Markle. Also, I’m going to stop reporting on the status of Thomas Markle’s attendance, because that man is dragging down the proud nobility of the journalism tasked to cover it.

That being said, if there’s an empty space at your hip for the big day, Meghan, allow me to pop my hand up. I may not be a father, but I have their jokes. Check this for an opening, Megz. “…like a vulture boarding an aeroplane, the attendant says, sorry…no carrion…haha! I’d like to welcome everyone, and wasn’t that just a ripper of a wedding? Eh? Raise a glass!”

 

 

Holidayers catfished by hotel, features not as big as claimed online.

Travel disappointment is something as old as travel itself. Although the means might have been different in the gaudy heyday of the English Empire, the dashing of one’s hopes remains the same. The latest instance of TD (which has probably already been bested by the time you read this) articulating the depth of one traveller’s disappointment. Primarily, the size of pool promised, and the size of the pool delivered.

 

 

Oh, Jenny. We’ve been there. Wait. Does this mean she got catfished by a hotel? What would that be? Bellhopfished? Porterfished? Help me out here, I’m dying.

Pop it in the comments if you have a better one. The winner receives a grand prize of grand disappointment, as you witness me soar to the front page of Urban Dictionary atop the rocket of your brilliance.

What?

NASA did it. They naturalised Nazi scientists to work on the moon program. And I’m the thief? Bah.

Bookfishing? 

Guys?

 

 

Tasmanian winemakers pitch the EU to bring their product on par with the Champagne region.

As noted buff-dude/warrior-poet Cristiano Ronaldo wrote (in hair gel), You cannot buy traditions in one or two years. They are created by victories. The top pupil of this school of thought is France. It is a land of traditions one should never ever move out of. Great traditions that stem from a time when things were better, and forever shall they live. As we forever remove the heads of our leaders, forever should we turn the liver of the duck into an aperitif.

Their sturdiest moral pillar is the Champagne region. Their rules are extremely complex, but their stuffery can be poured in a singular glass. If it’s not made in Champagne, it cannot be called champagne. Simple, n’est-ce pas?

However, one Tasmanian winemaker is looking to build an identical ethical Mont Blanc, seeking to ensure that Tasmanian wine will be offered the same protections, as equals.

Yes, that was the sound of a collective nose being raised. Noted Tasmanian winemaker Andrew Pirie said the state developed its own sparkling wine method, one that he believes is on-par with anything that France can offer, therefore, it should be protected thusly. Mon dieu. 

“We’ve had a strong belief ever since the foundation of the modern wine industry, that the region of origin and the grapes that come from it are really important to the quality…I am going to propose we register Tasmanian method, which we’d expect would be supported by the EU and would be recognised globally.”

It may bristle both the most educated and the most basic alike, but we as Australians need to recognise a simple fact. We do have nice things, and goddamn it, we should support it. Napa Valley, Burgundy, get in the bin. All hail the boiyz from the Barossa and the Apple Aisle.

Am I ever gunna drink your swill again?

No way! Get f…

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