TBS Newsbot

While you were asleep: Royal wedding gifts meme, Shooting survivor doesn’t blame guns, Trump investigates FBI

It’s nonsense for breakfast as the Royal wedding gifted us a meme, a survivor of the Texas school shooting didn’t blame guns and Donald went the full Donald.



The division between the Royal wedding and the reality of our own is, was and will remain sparse. However, if we look deeper, we will see the similarities. One was a rather subtle middle finger to the stuffery of the in-laws, aimed by the Bride (pastor, gospel choir) and the other was a cameo of a jaded ex that accepted the invitation that was sent, probably on the grounds of being nice. 

Harry’s previous partner, Chelsy Davy filled the role as jilted antagonist, looking like the amount of fun she was having was particularly close to none.



Safe to say that the galaxy of internet experts quickly heaped in on the emissary of gone love, perhaps whitewashing over all the times where it happened to them, or indeed dreaming of such a perfect matrimonial revenge. I’m marrying the man of my dreams, and she’ll be there.



Be nice, dudes.




Doorways/moronic rhetoric callously invade the church service held in honour of school shooting.

On Saturday, we discovered yet another school was the location of yet another shooting, as ‘Santa Fe’ was the latest landmark to be defined by a bullet hole. At the time, Texas lawmakers blamed the number of available doors for the body count; this morning one survivor of the shooting told the assembled that it was not the fault of the guns, but of something else entirely.

Monica Bracknell, 18, informed the media scum assembled prior to the church service honouring the victims that “…people are making this into a political issue…this is not a political issue. It’s not a gun-law issue…It’s a this-kid-was-able-to-get-into-the-school-very-easily issue.”



So, doors, essentially.

You know what? Monica, you are right. Doors have long been our deadliest enemy. After all, it was an unlocked door that let the Mongolian hoards crumble the Great Wall of China. It wasn’t the fault of the Mongolians, or that the Wall itself was built to keep China safe, it was the door that betrayed us.

I’m not sure what’s going on with America, how much sleep it is getting, or how regularly it is eating, but the discussion seems to be reduced down to the most simplest of terms, akin to a toddler identifying things that surround it. Immigration? Walls. Gun Control? Doors. 


Trump calls for investigation into FBI after FBI investigation of Trump.

Well, the snake has unhinged its jaw and finally digested the rest of itself. Now, I’m not exactly sure if this constitutes sense, and I’m just writing this down because it makes no sense in my head; but Donald Trump is now calling for an investigation into the FBI to see if they interfered in his election campaign. You know, the one that he won.

However, it makes sort of sense, as Donald was sort of cleared by the FBI for not being Russian, but now wants to query the FBI on the grounds that the Obama Administration hired the bureau to dig the lawn at Chez Trump.

 I’m confused. Here’s what he said:



And here’s what the internet said:



I don’t get it. I’m going back to sleep.

Have a good day, gorgeouses.