Two Lies and a Truth

Fake news or real? Back to the Future 4 announced, internet finds smut, cops shut down lemonade stand

Fake News. You are stupid and I don’t like you and you smell. There’s a distinctly childish tone this week, headlined by outlawed lemonade. Tasty.

 

 

As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.

Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.

But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.

We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.

 

Internet Curio #1 – Internet drops Back to the Future 4 Teaser, abetted by the promises of a fox.

Everyone loves a sequel right? A not-so-fresh retelling of a childhood tale you love, one you soon hate as an adult, and only succeed in lining the pockets of the gormless twits atop their ivory tower built from your fancy? Well, according to the internet, Back to the Future is set to ride again, apparently confirmed by Marty McFly himself.

Great Scott!

 

 

Fortunately, the above is all internet tomfoolery. I mean who’d want to see another edition of a stale mid-80s time-travel franchise where the starring kids are no longer kids?

 

 

Bogus.

 

Internet Curio #2 – Internet goes back to the classics, circulates image that’ll make you thinner.

Long ago, the internet was built on two pillars of marble. Actually, it’d be closer to how Rome was built, with two brothers publically sucking milk from a canine’s tit. Google it. Anyway, long ago, there were two brothers who were also pillars. One was named Schadenfreude, the other, Smut. Together, they built the internet. Always remember, while we can marvel at the impressive minds that travel the Information Superhighway, know that it was built on festering tower of hot garbage.

With that being said, let’s swiftly move onto something that we’re all here for, a picture of something disgusting.

 

 

Now, the obvious question. Yes, it is infact real. Is it down to an fancy for energy drinks? Maybe.

While the above body horror is indeed kidney stones, whether it was down to our taurine lovers, according to one urologist at the Mayo Clinic…you know what, we’re overthinking it. Just look at it!

 


Ewwww.

 

Internet Curio #3 – American cops clamp down on Lemonade stands, pushes permit system.

Geez, America. You used to be cool. Well, not cool…but certainly better than this. It seems that the apple-pie encrusted traditions on the American psyche mean nothing, as the long arm of the law is no longer down with the saccharine entrepreneurial lemon flavour of Anytown, USA.

I mean, it’s a great ‘Murican tradition. These kids need to feel like they have a job, in case that don’t make it through the bullet riddled hallways of their education institutions. I mean, I don’t want to sound flippant, but it’s already a bad joke.

Nevertheless, from hereon out, certain kidlets in certain corners of America need to apply for a permit before they scribble Lehmonadee on the box their fridge came in. Now, the 5-0 aren’t doing it for monetary gain, and promise not to fine anyone, they’ll just shut down the criminal enterprise.

I mean, what would be worse for an eight year old to endure? A fine, something that they don’t understand, nor have to pay, or the sight of something that they slaved over, built and lovingly adorned with their best stickers taken away by a strange adult, and now I can’t sell lemonade anymore forever ever?

No wonder people grow up hating the cops.

Related posts

Top