Well, it’s the morning after. Robbie Williams ruined the World Cup, Donald Trump turned 71 and Apple will (sort of) remake Steamboat Willy.
Russia flicks off Saudi Arabia, Robbie flips off everyone else.
Well, it’s here. It’s finally happened. The FIFA World Cup. All hail the gaudy spectacle of various bronzed multi-millionaire kid-adults who slide into the box as often as they do your partner’s DMs, those who enthral the third world with purchases of cars equal to their country’s GDP. Praise the even tournament where only two, maybe three teams can actually win it. Ole! Thankfully, the Russia edition understands meta, as it opened with a gaudy spectacle starring an adequately recalcitrant kid-adult.
Turned on FOX just in time to see Robbie Williams give the middle finger to be worldwide audience. God, I love the World Cup.
— Luis Paez-Pumar (@lppny) 14 June 2018
Oh, Robbie Williams. You’re a bad boy. That duet you did with Kylie was so very bad. Do things to me. To be fair I was a Robbie fan. He subverted 007, he stripped off his buttocks for edu-tainment purposes, and he gives no head no backstage passes. But, that was 2007. Last night, for whatever reason, he decided to flip off the 6 billion people watching, because he’s Robbie Williams? I guess?
I was going to say, “a man of his age” should know better, but Google shows him to be 44. So, just nine more Robbie World Cups to go, then.
— Eazzie (@zicorulz) 14 June 2018
From there, the clash of nations began, as the mighty land of granting citizenship to robots and allowing women to drive in 2018, Saudi Arabia, took on the grand old dancing bear of driving everyone crazy, I can’t believe it’s not Soviet Russia. Just beyond the anthems (see below), the pursuit of netting one’s ball began in earnest.
Frankly, it got beautifully ugly quick, with Denis Cheryshev scoring a rare double, not only fanging in a ridiculous outside of the boot warbler, but also justifying all the negative stereotypes, as his blank-faced celebration video very much looks like a KGB agent stepping out of the darkness onto your doorstep, asking you to show the papers he knows you don’t have.
— FIFA World Cup (@FIFAWorldCup) 14 June 2018
( Russian) pic.twitter.com/GjCT0EwQXV
— FIFA World Cup (@FIFAWorldCup) 14 June 2018
So, while Cheryshev banished the Saudis to the Gulag, suspicion grew on Twitter, wondering if the ease of the win suggested something dodgy. Something fitting. Something conspiratorial.
5-0 to a side that hadn’t won for 9 months. Saudis defending like oil tankers, Russia look like qualifying. Putin pleased. Not sus at all #WorldCup
— Antfarmer (@antfarmer) 14 June 2018
However, Twitter is right, but mostly wrong. There is a conspiracy, but not in the match, rather those who scored in it. As those who religiously kneel at the altar of dorkdom every World Cup year and fill out the Panini sticker albums have been cruelly denied their dopamine hit. J’accuse!
Neither Russia scorer in the sticker book.
— TheDiamondFormation (@thediamondform) 14 June 2018
Donald Trump turns 71, making him the oldest serving Prez. HBD, Don.
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear, Donald. Happy Birthday to you.
Today big Daddy Don, the Kimpleaser, Ol’ Tangerine Boner, Duke Bucketarse, The President of the United States turned 71. Surely it’ll be a relaxing day for the man, as he’s no doubt schwack golfballs with the force he’d love to donate to his detractors. Tell you what as he loves love most of all, so it might be a good idea if you took to Twitter to send him a nice birthday message.
There’s a reason he was born on flag day..
Happy Birthday, President Trump.
I wish you many more!
— 100%MAGAMeatball (@LazyMeatball) 14 June 2018
Hip. Hip. Hooray.
For he’s a jol– no? Anyone?
Apple decides to fall off the tree, and roll allllll the way to Hollywood.
I, for one, am looking forward to the Godzilla-level fistfight that is surely coming. Where Apple will duke it out with Amazon for the control of fiscal Tokyo, with Google/Alphabet waiting in the wings with a steel chair to fell the fatigued victor. I mean, it’s a tough one to call. Who would win in a fight between an Apple, a Rainforest and a Search Engine? Hmm.
Until that day comes, we’ll have to settle with the lame proxy wars, which are currently dangerously close to two kids shoving each other at the flagpole, both not really keen on elevating the situation to thrown punches.
Last night, Apple announced that their latest (presumably needlessly expensive to replace) tentacle will burst through the pane glass windows of Hollywood, deciding that they’re going to be in the movie business. Fortunately, Apple has decided to do something fresh, something different and have decided to make an animated movie. Which is fortunate, as there’s not that many of those.
— TicToc by Bloomberg (@tictoc) 14 June 2018
Rumours that I’ve just made up then hint at a HD reboot of Steamboat Willy, but with their lord and saviour Steven H. Jobs steering his rad Apple speedboat against the raging stream of the times, because he’s Steve Jobs.
Please don’t make that.