TBS Newsbot

While you were asleep: First cave boys rescued, Paulinho confuses everyone, Vogue’s vague crash diet

Good Monday to you, victims. Overnight, four of the boys have been rescued from that Thai cave, Paulinho marched back to China and 1977’s Vogue has some health advice for you.



Nine remain in the cave, Elon Musk offers to help. Eye. Roll.

As you read this, two of the teenagers stuck in a dank Thai cave have been rescued. The first pair made the four kilometre journey well ahead of schedule, with two more following soon after. Nine more remain, with the operation continuing.



With this coming to close, and perhaps a better result than we imagined, it’s both a win for humanity, and indeed for local expertise, with both the world and Elon Musk breathing down their necks.



Vast congratulations go to the divers, the crew and Elon’s employees trying to awkwardly make conversation at the cave entrance. We see you.



Paulinho proves that going to China doesn’t kill your career, kills career by going to China.

The story of Paulinho is an odd one. Choosing China over the English Premier League, it was roundly agreed upon that he’d be walking down a career cul-de-sac. However, we were wrong. He moved from Guangzhou Evergrande to the lofty heights of FC Barcelona, confusing many. Further confusion occurred when we discovered that he could still very much play. He starred at the World Cup, he was starting for Barca. All good, right? Mischief managed?

Well, sort of. This morning, he announced his move from FC Barcelona to…Guangzhou Evergrande. What?



I mean, ok. Maybe this Twitterer has a clue.



Paulinho reminds me of that student that wows everyone with a superb essay, then immediately goes back to picking their nose and carving their initials into the wall. Enjoy? Paulinho?


Twitter discovers crash diet from 1977. Probably best you don’t diet and drive.

And finally, dieting in the modern age is a trail. One devoid of taste, reward or meaning. You look better, you think. But you’re not sure. All you want is a steak. And some booze. Fortunately, the internet is a lovely place, a mine impossibly populated by the diamond nuggets of confirmation bias.

For those looking for a fitness alternative, look no further than 1970s Vogue and their extremely powerful crash diet.



If that isn’t your bag, how about the Banana and Milk diet? Strangely, you can have coffee if you need to remain conscious, but you can’t put milk in it. Damn, 1977. What were you on. Drugs? Drugs.