According to the findings of a new study, those who wear business ties are cutting off circulation to their brains. Just sounds like an excuse for their terrible behaviour.
We’ve all noticed those people. Those who prowl the Central Business Districts of this fine land in a business suit, those who make you wonder if any blood is actually travelling to their brain. Well, according to science, there’s some truth to your unfair generalisations, and it comes from a rather unexpected place.
You see, in years previous, science believed that the behaviour of these people was down to a lack of parental attention as a youth, manifesting itself in adulthood through the medium of lunchtime squats and weekend triathlons. In some serious cases, the mind splits from the body, and the subject refers to itself solely in the third person. Back in the middle eighties, this was attributed to the abnormally high level of cocaine in their bloodstream. However, in the Golden Age of Pop-Science we find ourselves in, we discovered the source.
Pop quiz. What one aspect links all these people together?
Yes, they’re all entirely unbangable, but it is their ties that bind them (and ensure that their brains don’t work).
The study, which appeared in the journal Neuroradiology, roped in 30 participants, half of whom had the blood flow to their heads observed while wearing a tie, while the other half went tie-free. Those who wore the double-Windsor ultimately had their circulation reduced by 7.5%. I mean, unless you have high blood pressure, it’s a fairly minimal amount. With that being said, if you have to wear a tie for work, the smallest numbers tend to have massive significance.
Should we ban ties? Sure. It’s all an archaic substitute for one’s penis. Added to that ties can also add unneeded pressure to your eyes, which could lead to an early onset of glaucoma. And if you’re still clinging to the whole “wearing a tie means professionalism” mantra, according to a different study, it only really makes a difference to the person wearing the tie.