Fake News is that person that uses the urinal next to you when the bathroom is deserted. That guy. This week, we investigate the relationship between Donald and Aretha and other clickbait nonsense.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house, aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Pregnant woman suspected to be a shoplifter, asked to produce the goods by store security.
In this social birdcage, there is a tweet we fear to utter. The congratulations toward a woman we assume is expecting, but isn’t. From that moment, the only thing we expect is social expulsion and hope for a quick death. Over in the United States of social insecurities, this tableau played out, replete with a needless M. Night Shyamalan twist, in that a customer wasn’t shoplifting, but carrying twins.
According to local news acronym WSOC-TV, the woman was paying for back-to-school supplies when a police officer had her explain what was under her shirt. She said to John Law that she was 34 weeks pregnant, but he didn’t believe her. So she lifted up her shirt to expose her belly.
Well done America.
Now, I don’t want to automatically make the connection between a badge and an unsatisfied partner at home, but in the immortal words of the prophet Ice Cube: “…without a gun, they can’t get none.”
Fudge the store police, yo.
Internet Curio #2 – Map recreates itself for barely noticeable lols, enters transitional phase.
As the old schoolyard saying goes: Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at. A textual bingle made itself known on the pages of Twitter, garnering many a smug retweet. If you can’t see the problem with the image, see me after class.
This is actually in a textbook..(Glencoe Science: Biology, Chapter 5, Section 3.)
Retweet if you see it. pic.twitter.com/k48MkRws9A
— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) 15 July 2018
So, is it for reals, for lols, or have the tectonic plates beneath us recently discovered millennial nostalgia, and now yearn from the days of Pangea?
Well, according to the internet, there are two images. Or one. They’re not really sure.
The Terrible Maps Twitter account reported that this map appeared in the 5th chapter of Glencoe Science’s Biology textbook. A PDF version of this book available via the Seymour Community School District in Wisconsin does include a similar map, but in that version of the textbook correctly renders South America on that map.
For the interest of serious objective journalism, here’s a side-by-side comparison of the original image and the original image.
Let us address the feathered elephant in the room. Is North America only really home to one species of perching birds?
What the fuck, America?
Internet Curio #3 – Aretha welcomes odd company after death, as the internet tries to make her funeral about Trump.
Celebrity or not, we’re all linked by death. We’re mourned for that first smidge, and then the focus turns to the dredging up of unsavoury, albeit juicy as fuck gossip about the departed. The Queen of Soul might have shuffled loose the mortal coil, but already we’re not paying her the proper R-E-S-P-E-C-T as some are exhuming her relationship with Donald J. Trump.
The entirety of the gossip chain started with a statement from Daddy Don:
President Trump begins Cabinet meeting by remembering Aretha Franklin: “I want to begin today by expressing my condolences to the family of a person I knew well. She worked for me on numerous occasions. She was terrific.” https://t.co/O5OWa3k51H pic.twitter.com/Yo7AkWdsLK
— CBS News (@CBSNews) 16 August 2018
The internet questioned how well Trump really knew Aretha Franklin. A handful of press photographs exist showing Trump and Franklin posing together at public events during the 1990s, so it seems they were at least acquainted. With that being said, Franklin reportedly refused to perform at Donald Trump’s presidential inauguration.
Is it true? Dunno. They’ve been in the same building at the same time, with Aretha performing in venues that Trump owned, but surely that doesn’t count, right?
The real story here is a lack of a point. We’re all too eager to bury our pointed criticism into the flank of Donald that we reach for any shard of information that we believe will pierce the skin.
Trump is a narcissist. A narcissist always makes everything about themselves, even someone else’s death. I’m sure at some point Aretha Franklin performed at a casino he owned, hence the “worked for me” comment. It’s always about stroking his small…ego. #MeMeMe pic.twitter.com/C8deGAGmTl
— Scott Nevins (@ScottNevins) 16 August 2018
Maybe we should, you know, put the boot in when we have the evidence.
Or not, just a suggestion.