Today, Julie Bishop went out with a bang, zinging the Coalition on the way to the exit. Which is all well and good, but where does she rate all-time?
Today, we lost Julie Bishop, as she conceded to the pawn that crowned himself King (Morrison) after the Black Knight (Dutton) mated the old one (Malcolm), but while you should check out my chess puns, mate, Jules did leave us with a rather epic zinger.
When asked if the Coalition would ever elect a popular female leader, she opined: “…when we find one, I’m sure we will.”
Hotfire, zing and ooh snap.
It’s a fairly acidic burn, one that splashed back on the author, and while the goggles did nothing, it made us ponder on our other favourite climatic verbal barbs. As a construct, it’s a rather odd thing, as what you actually utter is quickly forgotten, as what people believed you said becomes canon.
So consider the following true, with a pile salt heaped upon it.
1) Jean-Paul Sartre
For anyone who has ever endured first-year philosophy, or got lost in Kinokuniya will know, Jean-Paul Sartre was the original modern fuckboi. A man who set his own moral compass, and built a theory to match, where the ends always justified the means, which usually climaxed in him getting his end away.
The primary victim of his fuck-knucklery was his sometime spouse, and academic Simone de Beauvoir who entered a lifetime of hurt feelings, frayed nerves and the sloppiest of seconds. It’s strange then that Jean-Paul’s final words were addressed to Simone as he said, “I love you very much, my dear Beaver.”
Toxic to the bitter end.
Nostradamus was the Tim Bailey of the 16th century. Frequently wrong, but somehow indefatigable. More ill predictions beget more ill predictions, and we wish he’d just shut up and stop wasting our time. His cockteasery lasts even today, as he continues to predict the apocalypse long after his death. Get on with it, Incans.
Sadly, the joke will forever be on us, as his usual evening report was punctuated by a prediction of Boom Crash Death Opera, as he proclaimed, “Tomorrow, at sunrise, I shall no longer be here.”
He called it. He was dead the next day.
You’re next, Bailey.
3) John Sedgwick
The American Civil War was a strange and different time. The United States was a deeply divided place, one cleaved in twain by racial difference, and the disparate line between rich and poor. Blood ran in America streets as half of the populace looked to prove that black lives matter, while the other half looked to prove the opposite. The war was kicked off proper as a deeply unpopular Republican president enflamed the situation, later twisting it to suit his platform for re-election.
1865 > 2018?
In the midst of all this a-squabblin’, one General proclaimed that the particular thicket of Spotsylvanian turf that he stood on was so safe, they (The Confederates) “…couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance”
Accounts vary, but he was shot dead a moment later, or before he could conclude his sentence.
Everyone’s favourite carpenter, except if you’re an atheist, which would make Karen your favourite; or if you’re a bogan, it’d be whichever carpenter redid your decking after hours and accepted a slab of beer in lieu of payment. Now, the Original Jesus’ last words are failing concrete, oscillating between “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing,” and “…today you will be with me in paradise.”
But there has been a rather serious internet push that actually figures this to be the last words of Jesus:
5) Albert Einstein
You wait all day for one genius fuckboi to arrive, and then suddenly two message you at 3am. Albert Einstein, the father of theoretical psychics (and the author of all his wife’s pain), was a bit of a lad. He ditched the aforementioned wife to shack up with his cousin, and when she passed in 1936, Einstein wrote, “I have gotten used extremely well to life here. I live like a bear in my den…. This bearishness has been further enhanced by the death of my woman comrade, who was better with other people than I am.”
I feel ya, dude. Except for all the terrible husbandry and cousin banging, yeah nah. The man clearly had a flair for the dramatic, which is all the more disappointing, as his final words went undocumented, as the attending nurse apparently didn’t speak German.