Welcome to our usual dance around objective truth, as we attempt to find meaning in the lies of the internet. This week, it’s Coconut Oil and a lying, pants-less bear.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house, aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Coconut Oil market torn down by science, now a husk.
Who’d have thunk it. The fuel of the most toxic of people, Coconul Oil, is actually poisonous. Womp womp. In a day that has seen many establishments fall, it seems that there was a cogent point to be taken from a 50-minute video on Youtube. I know.
The presenter of the lecture, Karin Michels (the director of the Institute for Prevention and Tumor Epidemiology at the University of Freiburg Michels) made herself rather clear.
The money quote: “…coconut oil is pure poison, it is one of the worst foods you can eat.”
More to that point, no study exists that supports any significant health benefits to coconut-oil consumption. According to Michels, coconut oil is more dangerous because it almost exclusively contains saturated fatty acids. For those playing at home, they’re the types that kick your arteries to death.
Yes, it’s a blow. But, I’m of the mind that maybe we shouldn’t spread the findings, as those who purport the health benefits of Coconut Oil might be subject to the oldest health kick known to man, Darwinism.
Internet Curio #2 – United States under attack form deadly spider. Yeah, right.
As Australians, there are two things we proudly hold over Americans. The deadliness of our animals, and the less deadliness of our firearms. Whenever something new, creepy, crawly reveals itself on that continent, we roll our eyes and think, pff, that doesn’t scare us. A lack of universal health care does, but not this.
Nevertheless, the lies of the internet must be uncovered and swatted with the rolled newspaper of objective journalism. In a rather serious Facebook post, scribed by an unknown person who was seemingly closer to death’s door than they were disengaging the caps lock, stating:
NEW DEADLY SPIDER SPREADS ACROSS USA
THE SPIDER FROM HELL. FIVE PEOPLE HAVE DIED THIS WEEK DUE TO THE BITE OF THIS DEADLY SPIDER .THIS SPIDER WAS FIRST SEEN IN SOUTH CAROLINA IN JULY SINCE THEN IT HAS CAUSED DEATHS IN WEST VIRGINIA ,TENNESSEE AND MISSISSIPPI. ONE BITE FROM THIS SPIDER IS DEADLY. US GOVERNMENT WORKING ON A ANTI VENOM AT THIS TIME PLEASE MAKE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS AWARE
Jesus, die quietly/grammatically sound.
The image supplied (below) is actually the Dysdera crocata, fabulously otherwise known as the Stiletto spider, the bite of which garners the victim one hour of mild irritation. So, it’s obviously a different spider. That, or the Americans are just soft.
Toughen up/please don’t shoot me, please.
Internet Curio #3 – Winnie-the-Pooh’s pals not actually named after mental disorders. Mental.
Tell you what, spending your time calling out the internet on its bullshit tends to give you a superiority complex. You tend to feel like you know everything. Fortunately, I don’t, but I literally thought the following was gospel.
Everyone knows the theory that all the characters of Christopher Robin’s fever dream, are anthropomorphic representations of cranial maladies.
It turns out that it is made from the hunny of lies and subterfuge.
This theory was first popularised in a tongue-in-cheek paper published in 2000 in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.
The BBC reported at the time that lead researcher and primary author Sarah Shea’s intention was to “remind people that anyone can have disorders.” The introduction to the study also noted that the characters were diagnosed with different mental disorders by a “group of modern neurodevelopmentalists,” not the author, A. A. Milne:
On the surface, it is an innocent world: Christopher Robin, living in a beautiful forest surrounded by his loyal animal friends. Generations of readers of A.A. Milne’s Winnie-the-Pooh stories have enjoyed these seemingly benign tales. However, perspectives change with time, and it is clear to our group of modern neurodevelopmentalists that these are in fact stories of Seriously Troubled Individuals, many of whom meet DSM-IV3 criteria for significant disorders (Table 1). We have done an exhaustive review of the works of A.A. Milne and offer our conclusions about the inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood in hopes that our observations will help the medical community understand that there is a Dark Underside to this world.
An example of the giddy nerdy mirth is the suggestion that Winne-the-Pooh may qualify for an intervention, as the fictional character likely suffers from “Shaken Bear Syndrome” (a play on the medical term “Shaken Baby Syndrome,” or SBS), as he was repeatedly dragged up and down the stairs by Christopher Robin:
Early on we see Pooh being dragged downstairs bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head. Could his later cognitive struggles be the result of a type of Shaken Bear Syndrome?
Pooh needs intervention. We feel drugs are in order. We cannot but wonder how much richer Pooh’s life might be were he to have a trial of low-dose stimulant medication. With the right supports, including methylphenidate, Pooh might be fitter and more functional and perhaps produce (and remember) more poems.
I take a
It keeps me
It keeps me