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US military creates brain zapper to make us all s-m-r-t

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The dudes who created Agent Orange now promised that they can safely zap our brains for our benefit. Seems legit.

 

 

Our modern experience is deeply intertwined with excessive self-improvement. Our appendages can always be bigger, smaller, or subject to some magnitude of development. But, as Jackie Treehorn once pointed out, the brain is the biggest zone subject to growth. Therefore, it makes complete sense that your average dim punter is taking to Amazon to purchase a device that will zap your brain to the lofty plains of greater intelligence.

It’s as smart as it sounds.

Of course, the practice (known as transcranial electrical stimulation) already has its fair share of its detractors in the scientific realm. In fact, a group of psychologists have already published a paper warning of its use. Of course they have, and you know why? I do.

It’s jealousy. They’re hogging all the smart, and they can’t stand the idea of someone else being brainy. Be better, not bitter, science.

Darling, pass me those electrodes I bought from a stranger on the internet.

The stated reasons they gave in the paper was that although they admit that the practice works, it should only be handled by actual professionals, as “…there are multiple potential concerns with DIY-ers self-administering electric current to their brains, but this use of tES may be inevitable,” said co-author Adam Green in a press release. “And, certainly, anytime there is risk of harm with a technology, the scariest risks are those associated with kids and the developing brain”

Again, jealous.

But you know what? You can keep your brain zapper, dorks, as there’s something far superior on the market. DAPRA, your friendly neighbourhood US military tech pioneers have mentioned that they’ve been able to boost the brains cognitive function by means of a non-invasive method.

Being working under the extremely serious sounding DARPA-backed Restoring Active Memory (RAM) program, scientists tested their brain device on monkeys and observed a substantial increase in an ability to complete tasks. The method is dangerously similar to the Amazon available option, but with a more moderate zap.

Per the statement that accompanied the report: “In this experiment, we targeted the prefrontal cortex…that is the region that controls many executive functions, including decision-making, cognitive control, and contextual memory retrieval. It is connected to almost all the other cortical areas of the brain, and stimulating it has widespread effects.”

I mean, you can absolutely trust DARPA, they created Agent Orange.

In the final analysis, I’m still left rather wanting. All of the above sounds like subtle electrocution. Call me a dummy, but I’d much rather science develops that knowledge chair from The Matrix, one where you can sit down, chill out, and twelve hours later, this happens:

 

 

 

 

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