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#AusPol winners and losers: Who made very bad not very good?

An unwanted bedfellow, a trip up a river on a floating cocktail bar and a lame attempt to be bad blackened the eye of #AusPol this week. But who won?

 

 

Politics is like that social junket you show up to, where the only person you know isn’t there yet. So, you awkwardly stand in the corner and try your best to look serious. The music on-tap is the most overplayed remixes of 1990s glory day hits and the fridge is only filled with bitter. Eventually, the owner of the house kicks everyone out before it gets rowdy, or anyone has a chance to explore the upstairs bedrooms with a stranger, and thusly no-one can figure out if they had fun or not. Or in the case of politics, cannot chart a true winner or loser.

But we at The Big Smoke are a results-focused bunch, thus, here are this week’s #AusPol winners and losers.

 

 

 

Winners

Lyle Shelton, for taking a vested interest.

This week, the question of gay students against religious schools re-emerged with the re-emergence of antiquated marbled gargoyle Phillip Ruddock and his well thought out piece of paper. To paraphrase Monty Python, we shan’t discuss it, because it was a very silly paper. So much so, that even the most antagonised antagonists sided against it.

 

 

It did provoke a reaction out of Lyle Shelton, who sort of supported it, but suggested a caveat, in that LGBTQ students should be kicked out only if they’ve participated in homosexual intercourse. If I’m reading this right, does that mean Lyle will be heading up a van-based task force, tearing around the country to confirm these acts first-hand on a per case basis?

That’s going to be awkward for all parties involved.

 

 

 

Whoever has to find the Honey Badger, for witnessing the extent of the horror.

The nation’s obsession with domesticating ‘the honey badger’ won’t cease, so much so, that the man himself fled to a jungle clime. No matter, as one intrepid soul from will now fight the thicket of Papua New Guinea to find, report and eliminate him from our newsfeeds, with extreme prejudice. It is A Current Affair, after all.

 

 

But what happens when this reporter travels up the river, to see Nick Cummins atop a throne of his own making, surrounded by a devoted throng of beta males and basic bitches, those who elevate his inane ramblings to outright gospel without question, heralding him as the golden bachelor, with the man himself castigating his surroundings, and his inability to escape from the D-list, a ceiling of his own making?

Will the reporter then be able to see and report how Channel 9 called it back in Willoughby? Will they be able to drop the journalistic bomb and release them all? Or will the honey badger be sentenced to a return season on The Bachelor to answer for his crimes?

 

 

 

 

 

 


Also on The Big Smoke


 

Losers

Mark Latham, for outing himself.

The only thing a villain really needs is a steadfast devotion to their plot. The obscure methods of torture, the ornate base of operations and the sex/violence-based soulless henchmen are the end, not the means. Believe your plan, and we respect you. It’s why we pay Blofeld or real estate developers who dress as electric pirate ghouls their due. We believe that they have a point. It’s not just being a villain to be a villain. To that end, I think Mark Latham might have lost grip of his narrative, and thusly lost us.

This week, he took aim at the idea of pet therapy, not because he hates dogs, but he wants us to hate him. He doesn’t believe in it, he believes in evil.

 

 

It reminds me of the last time that pure evil visited our eyeballs.

 

 

 

 

Peter Dutton, for being obvious with his power.

There’s something that we can’t tolerate in this country. It’s not corruption, it’s showing off. Yesterday, Peter Dutton ordered his secret police to raid his own office to find those responsible for leaking the nefarious details of his own au pair allowances.

 

 

See the pattern here? It’s all me, me, me.

Dutts, be humble.

 

 

 

 


Also on The Big Smoke


 

Honourable mentions

The Golden Emerson – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:

Melania Trump, for not understanding the concept of bullying.

This morn, the Rapunzel of Trump Tower took to her nearest window to state that she was the “most bullied person” on the planet.

And you know what? She would say that. She married Donald Trump, she lives in a Tower. She’s a gold-digger who somehow defends her husband, she’s completely beyond the pale of normative discourse, as has no idea what the average person faces. She’s privilege incarnate. She spends the rest of her life spending. Poor widdle wich white girl. Wah-wah-wah. Right?

 

 

 

The Secret Verbs and Spicers for the sauciest, most regret-inducing piece of fried hyperbole each week goes to:

Sweden, for letting millennials ruin something else.

As the minds of Python also said (yes, I watched that movie last night), distributing swords from a pond is no way to form a system of government. Clearly, the Swedes didn’t get the memo, as their brand new monarch is eight-year-old Saga Vanecek who managed to pull an antique broadsword from a body of water, and therefore ascend to the highest throne in the nation.

 

 

Alla haglar vår drottning i flätor!

 

 

 

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