Fake News is the chocolate claw machine at the Leagues Club. You hope for the Toblerone of objective fact, but you invariably end up with the Turkish Delight of abject disappointment.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Husband digs ‘Shawshank’ tunnel to the pub to escape his life sentence.
Of all the movies to implement in your everyday life, The Shawshank Redemption would certainly be in the top one. I mean, it is the ultimate lads movie, really. A boys weekend of fun and woodwork, one that would never see you experience the worst part – having to go home and deal with the misso. According to the internet, one gent spent fifteen years digging a tunnel from his cell (marriage) to the pub (his river of foul smelling whatever I can’t imagine).
An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.
Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:
“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at the shops. It wasn’t until 2009 that I hit the jackpot and came up through the women’s toilet mop and bucket room.”
Sadly, the story isn’t true. But that didn’t stop the journalistic demigods BuzzFeed and Boing Boing running it as the Bible truth. I mean, it couldn’t be true, because it makes no sense. Andy dug the tunnel to escape Shawshank forever. He didn’t just nip off for an hour each night and sneak back in while the warden was asleep. He only had to crawl through the river of dookie once. Not every Friday.
Verdict: Get busy lyin’, more like. FAKE.
Internet Curio #2 – Donald Trump gets with the program, steals Michelle Obama’s lunch money.
The voting public of America (and the rest of the world who don’t get a vote but have their say nonetheless) are the crusty old landlord of the White House. Whoever the new tenant is, they’re treated with suspicion and mistrust, as they’re measured against the lovely people who lived there before. Have you met the Obamas? They were the best tenants I ever had. Bin night is Tuesday, please put yourself in it.
Because we’re a bunch of joyless sods, we leap at every hint of noise or murmur, immediately assuming wrongdoing and hoping that whatever it is that doing is grounds to kick them out.
It’s hard to not believe that it might not be true. After all, the purported critics did spend time in selecting an appropriately vibrant background to ensure that their messaged popped. Shame, because they should have spent the same time checking if their claims were true. They were not. I’m looking particularly at you, Eddie Phillips Sr. Not only were you liberal in your message, but also in your application of exclamation points.
That, and your message doesn’t actually make sense.
America. When are going to learn?
With the Trump administration has relaxed the nutritional conditions brought in by the Obama administration (which, is still pretty bad), Donald has not cancelled the scheme as Eddie and his cabal purports.
Schools won’t have to cut more salt from meals just yet and some will be able to serve kids fewer whole grains, under changes to federal nutrition standards announced .
The move by the Trump administration partially rolls back rules championed by former first lady Michelle Obama as part of her healthy eating initiative.
As his first major action in office, Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue said the department will delay an upcoming requirement to lower the amount of sodium in meals while continuing to allow waivers for regulations that all grains on the lunch line must be 50 percent whole grain.
Schools could also serve 1 percent flavored milk instead of the nonfat now required.
“If kids aren’t eating the food, and it’s ending up in the trash, they aren’t getting any nutrition — thus undermining the intent of the program,” said Perdue, who traveled to a school in Leesburg, Va., to make the announcement.
Verdict: Heavily salted. Not suitable for digestion. Fake.
Internet Curio #3 – Sadist poses as a celebrant to torture himself, gains minor compensation.
And finally, we have the entirely true story of a scammer posing as a Minister, solely marrying couples so he can pinch their credit card details. The man in question, James Stern, described himself on his own website as “a non-denominational minister committed to helping all persons achieve their dream wedding.”
Ostensibly, he skimmed their cards, bagging $2843 in the process. The police believe that Stern has 51 similar charges on his record. Using the power of assumption, we can assume that he’s pulled this stunt before, which makes him a massive nonce.
Hear me out. If you’re attempting to pass as a minister, you’d have to act like one. Which means you wouldn’t be able to participate in the usual wedding revelry. No drinking, no drugs, no impulsive trysts in the coat room. Anyone who has attented a wedding and had to remain sober, or worse, had to work at one, will know that there’s nothing worse than suffering the emotions of those you don’t know, stone cold sober.
Think of all the wedding speeches Stern had to smile through. All the dad jokes he had to laugh at. All the first dances he had to quietly admire.
If I was him, I’d sue for damages.