Fake News From the desk of Ivanka

Ivanka: Regarding Dad, the devil I know is preferable to the ones that I don’t

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In this latest Fake News exclusive, Ivanka explains why she believes her dad will eventually triumph over CNN and the New York Times and become America’s most beloved President.

 

 

In recent times I’ve found it most gratifying to see Dad’s emergence as unquestionably the most benevolent and humanitarian leader in the world.

Thanks to him you can go into any US embassy or consulate anywhere in the world absolutely free from fear of not coming out.

If Edward Snowden had been a fugitive from Russia, North Korea or Saudi Arabia his only possible chance of surviving the hit teams would have been a complete sea-change or sex-change.

There have been loads of journalists knocked off this year in places like Malta, Bulgaria and Russia. Despite the torrent of toxic abuse heaped on Dad in the local media every journalist in the US has survived.

Look what happened when Dad got hacked off with the dodgy deal we had from NAFTA. He didn’t spit the dummy and Trexit like the UK. He quietly persuaded Canada and Mexico that they should make more generous contributions towards making America Great Again.

How Dad puts up with Robert Mueller is simply beyond me. The guy has been nosing around his family, his affairs, his businesses and his politics ever since he became President. This is simply intolerable. Any other world leader would have disposed of Mueller long ago either by distributing photos of him with Stormy Daniels or by accusing him of being one of Brett Kavanaugh’s drinking buddies at university.

Dad has a peerless record of achievement when it comes to women. While other world leaders are just getting round to allowing them to drive and go to the footie he has become one of the main catalysts for the #MeToo movement, he saved Chelsea from having the Mother and Father of all Presidents and helped Elizabeth Warren understand she’s descended from the Cowboys rather than the Indians.

Dad claims that he was instrumental in persuading Prince MBS to allow women to drive in Saudi Arabia despite the fact this is bound to cause a significant increase in traffic accidents.

I’ve always felt however that it’s Dad’s refugee policy that really sets him apart. He’s determined to solve the refugee problem by turning the US into the sort of country that no refugees in their right mind would see as an improvement on where they live already.

As a gesture of humanity I’ve been trying to persuade Dad to visit the caravans of refugees trekking through Mexico dressed as Santa Claus and distribute US visas as Christmas gifts. He’s reluctant to pursue the idea however because he believes all the Middle Eastern refugees in the caravans would regard it as politically incorrect.

I strongly believe that if CNN and the rest spent more time comparing Dad with Putin, Kim Jong-un, Assad, Maduro and Prince MSB they would start to appreciate that his Presidential performance is truly unimpeachable.

 

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