I see a lot of buskers throughout my day. As someone who has taken the time to listen, I do have a couple of notes.
As someone who is homeless, I like to people watch. I also have to make sure that I eat, so I spend my days sitting in the tunnels that connect your bus stop to your train stop, quietly hoping to gain charity from a golden few.
But, I’m not writing this to talk about that. You see, in those tunnels, I’m not alone. There are other people standing there too, and unlike myself, they’re holding instruments. Buskers. Now, I can tell you that it does bristle to have someone in your space, drawing the attention away. The attention you hope to seek. But, again, not about this, about that.
I’m writing to tell buskers that their music is awful, and they should stop immediately. Whatever pushes someone to do it is none of my business, but as their only audience, they should be willing to take on criticism. My criticism.
1. Playing Pink Floyd doesn’t give you the liberty to take the liberties they did.
2. A cheap amp is always going to sound cheap.
3. Ska is beyond reviving. Stop trying to revive it.
4. Locking eyes with a commuter while mouthing knowing lyrics will not lead to sexual congress.
5. Guys, the gravelly folk voice sounds better in your loungeroom, or when Tom Waits does it.
6. Girls, the ethereal off-key voice sounds better in your shower, or when Hope Sandoval does it.
7. You’re not Hope Sandoval or Tom Waits.
8. Buskers should take requests.
8a. Don’t ask people directly for requests.
9. No-one cares about your classical music. This isn’t Paris, and this isn’t the Metro.
9a. Iconoclastic covers work. People pay good money for bad Britney covers.