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Above everything else, we wanted to see Fortnite and Stormy Daniels doing it

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Each year, Pornhub decides to kink-shame us, freely disclosing the most popular searches on their site. Sadly, Fortnite leads the way. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

 

 

The world of adult entertainment is an interesting thing. But if there’s one thing that’s more interesting than a broken pool pump and the pretext used as means to enter your house/wife, it’s the statistics that indicate what floats our collective boat. Each year, the statisticians of Pornhub (what a job) is fired off into the ether, allowing the curious and the filthy to sate their curiosity.

In 2018, there were two victors: Stormy Daniels and the video game Fortnite.

I’m as puzzled as you. Although, video games, tweens and hormones a pornographic cocktail does make. I mean, every male twelve-year-old of my era expunged mental power (and other things) on finding how to remove Lara Croft’s upper garments. But at least she had a job, and a house. All Fortnite is, is dancing builders. I don’t want to kink shame anywhere here, but dudes. “Searches like these serve as an indication that people use this site to not only satisfy sexual urges but also to get a different angle on something they are already interested in,” Laurie Betito, director of the Pornhub Sexual Wellness Center, said in a statement. People want “to see a famous character or hot topic in a sexual context,” she said.

The statistics grind from the machinations of Pornhub’s bean counters, who tot up these figures for reasons unknown. They did it last year, too, with “Porn for Women”, “Rick and Morty” and “fidget spinners” being the three most searched for items. Which proves a) how doomed we might be and b) how we can juice sexual pulp from anything. FIDGET SPINNERS. Fork. Me.

Back to 2018, and Stormy Daniels proved that a Presidential endorsement is the greatest marketing tool a person could ever have. After her alleged affair with Donald, which I’ll admit, is a President, but if you were in a room with all of them, he’d be one of the last picked, especially with John Adams in the house.

 

Sex. Magnet.

 

 

Nevertheless, when the news first broke, Pornhub’s data analysis found that searches containing her name increased from a daily average of 2,500 to over 2 million. Within five days. During her 60 Minutes TV interview in March, searches increased 2,052%. It’s also worth mentioning that Pornhub users in DC were more likely to search “Stormy Daniels” than elsewhere in the US, because boys club. 

However, it is worth mentioning that it was a fairly storied year regarding gubernatorial smut, as the Virginia congressional race gave the world Bigfoot erotica, with the Democratic candidate accusing her opponent of being a “devotee of”. As a political tactic, it didn’t work, as said opponent is now the congressman-elect, but as an avenue of smut, well, time to look at me some blurry disputed footage of a man wearing a wristwatch. Searches containing “Bigfoot” shot up more than 8,000% on July 31. Virginia residents were also 38% more likely to search for “Bigfoot,” compared to everywhere else.

 

NSFW

 

But, invariably, back to Fortnite. Much like adult entertainment, it makes an insane amount of money for something that everyone thinks they can do. The $2 billion mark has been passed, and the game has over 200 million registered users. In a year. However, when Fortnite moves, porn does too, as whenever the game updates (which it does, frequently), there’s a spike in people looking for Fortnite porn. The snake completely fellated itself back in April, when the Fortnite servers crashed, pushing everyone over to Pornhub, which measured a 60% increase.

It’s also worth mentioning that “Red Dead Redemption 2” searches on the site surged 731% above average following that game’s launch.

You’re all smutty, dirty people. Go play outside.

But not like that.

You’ll go blind.

 

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