It’s official, Karl Stefanovic will no longer be presenting the Today Show. With his exit, we have something not seen in more than a decade – peace in our time.
Put out your mum jokes, it seems that Karl Stefanovic will not be returning to Nine’s brand of identical breakfast television nonsense. In a move eerily seemingly Edward VIII, the king has abdicated the throne, probably maybe as a result of who he is now bedding. It probably wasn’t the factor, but it was certainly one.
BREAKING: Karl Stefanovic cut from Today Show pic.twitter.com/0409tSD4yH
— Lindsay Bennett (@lindsaybennett) December 19, 2018
Vale, raise the flag at half mast, let the mourners come. He is dead.
With Karl’s exit, an eery peace has descended over the kingdom of breakfast television. For as long as we can recall, we were at war. Houses were split, televisions were fixed, attention was divided. It was an inherently partisan conflict, where you chose either Karl or Kochie, selecting which preening cackling overlord would rule your mornings, and thusly, your household. Like all wars, it made little sense. The reason for starting was the same reason as to why it kept going. There was a huge difference between the number seven and the number nine. Marked differences between the two armies were noted. There were the Queens that ruled alongside, the dim sports dude, the ebullient jester weathermen. Whatever was discussed was worthy of discussion, and ne’er was a breath wasted in their earnest attempts to kill the other off, for good.
However, for those who marched under the flag of Kochie, today is a proud day. Your interpretation of breakfast television is deemed to be the right one, through the heat of war. Let him rule long over the thousand kingdoms, with proud God-king Xerxes, ruling us through the power of nasal preamble.
In their woe, some acolytes of the House of Stefanovic have resisted the decision, claiming that the other Stefanovic should have felt the sting of the guillotine. “Pete’s taken one for the team”, “Would prefer Pete over Karl anyday (sic)”, “Keep Pete and get rid of Karl”, and “Take your brother with you” were some of the epithets fired over the wall of Karl’s crumbling empire.
Pick through the shale we can, if we must, but the boom has lowered, and the overthrow is complete. Let us now pause and remember the regal behaviour of our once proud king. Karl, the cash cow moos for thee.