Gretel Killeen

Gretel Killeen: An ode to the odd bods this holiday season

It is a time to come together, but for those who don’t fit, the holiday season is a Sisyphean slog. To those people, I see you. I feel you.

 

 

This is an ode to all the odd bods whose bonbons won’t bang this festive season. It’s a song for those whose annual beach holiday will be totally wet and freezing. It’s a non-rhyming poem to those New Years Eve wowsers who aren’t at the Mayor’s New Year Party. And it’s a word for the turds who, just like me, accidentally re-gifted a gift to the same person who gave it to them last Christmas.

It’s a light-hearted piece for those whose friends are “too ugly” to be included in selfies. And it’s for people who are always in selfies alone so no-one knows if they’re aloof or tragic. It’s for those who are not upwardly mobile, in fact not socially mobile at all; it’s for those who don’t know anyone powerful but once pashed a guy who kind of looked a bit like Chris Hemsworth’s neighbour.

It’s for people whose kids are not “gifted”, for those whose parents are estranged, and for those people with no kids at all who’ll be forced to explain their “life choices” these holidays to insensitive, judgmental bores.

Yes, it’s for you, the misfits, the differents, the ones who think they’re really not doing life right. The ones who feel that life is an exam and they’re failing it outright. It’s for those who are not “influencers”,  those with no followers and no “likes” to be seen, and those who’ll only appear on a magazine cover…if they photo bomb the Queen.

It’s for people with a fat, farting dog, and a fat farting husband taboot. It’s for those told to buy prawns for the family feast who, no matter how hard they try, or what research they do, or what enormous dollars they spend, will always buy far too much…of the “completely wrong ones”.

It’s for the broken families, the broken people, and the people who try to mend them. It’s for those with big hearts but small incomes.  It’s for those who are not rich. It’s for those who will never ever be “that difficult person to buy for because they have everything”. It’s for those born behind the starting line, those born with a load on their back, those who are invisible, those who don’t have friends or rellies with their own “luxury beach shack”.

It’s for those who are grieving, those who are alone, those who are scared of the future; those who just lost a job, those who have lost hope, those who just got dumped as a festive surprise. It’s a song to the single , holidaying with “the fam”, whose coupled siblings get the nice bedrooms…while they’re relegated  to the special guest room (formerly known as the laundry).

It’s for all of us who buy the odd-shaped fruit because somehow we feel we relate to it. It’s for all the LGBTQI in the world and the NPMAH, the Non Practising Middle Aged Heterosexuals.

It’s some words for those couples whose lives seem perfect but wish the kids would occasionally…um…just say “thank you”. It’s for those whose kids are with Dad and “the new girlfriend” who looks exactly like you (but 20 years younger). It’s for those who are not good enough for their own mum and dad…and those who don’t jump out of bed…because they’re often sad.

These words are for those who feel alone, or feel that they are failures, to tell you that we all feel like that, whether we’re sinners or saviours. These words are a hug, they are a smile, they’re just a wink at you, to let you know you’re not alone. Together we are perfectly imperfect, happy holiday season to you.

 

Subscribe now to Gretel Killeen’s new podcast, Handsome and Gretel, launching in January 2019.

 

Gretel Killeen

Gretel Killeen is the author of more than twenty books. At various times she hosts radio and television programs across the country, works as a journalist, stand-up comic and voice artist, and writes and directs feature films and documentaries.

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