Well, while MAFS has left the Gold Coast, it did garner us something beautiful. The Sam boofing Anus while hating on Lizzie triangle is a national treasure.
Well, it’s time to hang up the gold Meter Maid bikinis and leave the Gold Coast on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia.
It’s the last day on the Goldy and our couples are waking up with sore heads and perfect lip gloss. Hairy-Headed Heidi forbids Up Himself Mike to talk to InstaJess without formal written approval, Jess is picking wax out of her ear, Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam are still #smugmarrieds, Backstreet Bronson is shirtless and Anus Ines is still Anusy.
The anti-climactic “Sam boofing Anus while everyone hates on Lizzie” saga continues; Liz has woken up with freshly applied makeup and is devo about the Sam situation; Anus-loving-Sam is on his balcony chatting to the ACA cameraman about how his trip has been a “wild ride, it’s just been up and down” and before leering at the camera, saying “I’m funny aren’t I? did you get my sex reference? *double wink* fark I’m #sohot…is #sohot trending?” #sohot #nahmateitsnottrending
Sam can see “Anus in my future” (remember he said that later folks) and can’t stand the sight of poor Lizzie. Sam and Lizzie have a #dramaticconvo after Lizzie arrives at his room, Number 1902.
Sam: You’ve wasted my time.
Lizzie: People think you’re a victim.
Sam: I AM a victim…haha, suck shit, I’ve convinced everyone that I’m a victim and you’re a psycho!
And there was a whole bunch of “you shoved your throbbing thumb in my mouth/no I didn’t/yes you did/you told people I wanted to fuck you/no I didn’t/yes you did/CALM DOWN CLAM DOWN/GO AWAY blah blah.”
Sam: I’m trying to be respectful…
Lizzie: LIAR LIAR LIIIIAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR.
Sam confides that “Lizzie is forcing me to be with Anus.” Anus, after knocking on his room, NUMBER 1904 (UMM, WTF? DID HE CHANGE ROOMS IMMEDIATELY?), was all “Lizzie is a SHEBEAST” and I was bothered about the term but still filed it in my insult book for later use. #loveshebeast
Anus tells us that she and Sam are “the most honest out of everyone” and my eyes roll back and slapped my brain again. Poxy leans in for a kiss and Anus, in search of her favourite pox mark, KISSES HIS FOREHEAD. #thatwasslightlyawkward #pairofshitbags
Anus is getting ready for the dinner party in her stolen bridesmaids dress while poor dopey Backstreet goes in to watch her creepily dab on lip gloss. #whothefarkputsonlipglosslikethat #isthatwhatdabbingis
The Dinner Party — Arrival
The Experts are busily watching their souped-up split TV screens when the persistent rumour about Sam and Anus resurfaces. People scream “OMG! Someone tell Backstreet!” and I yell “nahhh, wait until we’re at the dinner table for drama.” #onit
Jess and Martha huddle with Anus to make her pinky swear that she hasn’t rubbed uglies with Sam: “#solame I swear to GOD I haven’t.” Anus turns to ACA and whispers “dumb fuckers, I’m an atheist and *cough cough* funny.”
Sam arrives and Anus, squeezing her nipples, “like, dies”. Sam dishes on Lizzie: “Like, Lizzie, like wanted me,” and then IGGY LIZZIE WALKS IN singing “I’m So Fancy”. Sam, obviously shocked, checks that his pectoral muscle can still bounce. #dudeno #isthatathingboys
Lizzie does the facials to ACA while saying “Adios! Bye Bye”. #youtellhimiggy
Jess walks up to Mike and we all swing around to see if Heidi approves…aaaand she doesn’t and is PISSED he ignored the Love Language book guidelines. Insta and Mike talk for 16.4 seconds about Mike making her shag Mick and we all agree that it was “may be blown out of portion” and that is the end of that. #blownoutofproportiontoo #stoptalkingjess
The Dinner Party
“This better fucking go off,” I say while splitting my lip on a handful of popcorn. #betterbeonlikedonkeykong
Heidi freaks out at Mike for ignoring her orders, and the Experts have “grave concerns” about their future together. #doyoureallyfuckingthink
Kimmy K Martha holds Manbun Michael’s testes as they discuss his nail colour selection for her: it’s “sky blue with one nail as a Chanel print”. #socompletelywhipped #andanotherhorridshirt
I high five Cyrell for stirring the pot by telling Lizzie about the new, revised rumour. When Lizzie doesn’t automatically shank Anus and Sam, Cyrell tries a different approach: “think of poor dopey Backstreet! He looks sooooo stoooopid!” When there’s STILL no reaction, Cyrell sidles up to Mahatma Dino…”Hey Dino, I’m concerned about Backstreet and, as an ex-fellow stripper with him, you should tell him yeah? #stripperrules #matesforever
Mahatma rubs his Buddha for courage and tells Backstreet. The boys are all “we’re your mates and it’ll be sad if it’s true” and call Sam down to ask him. SAM FLATOUT FUCKING DENIES BOOFING ANUS AND ACTUALLY GETS A FIST BUMP FROM BACKSTREET. “I believe you Bro.” I’m also pretty sure he whispers “bros before hoes”. #icantevenfuckingdealwiththis #isignedupfordramanotagreements
Nic, under instruction from Cyrell, brings up the whole throbbing thumb suck and I literally groan. “UNLEASH THE SHE BEAST,” I yell while Mel Mulia skulls her wine in anticipation.
OOOOOH, IT’S GONNA BE ON NOW! I CAN’T WAIT…and…nahhhhhh…
Everyone wants to know who sucked who’s finger, Sam is all “Lizzie has always wanted my throbbing thumb ‘cause, you know, I’m #sohot and she’s lost her mind haahahahaaaaa” and I yell “you smug motherfucker” so loud that I scar myself and spill my red wine down my front. Mental note to self, wear a bib when watching shitty people.
Heidi and Mike
I know I’m supposed to care more but meeeehhhhh…Heidi is still upset that Mike broke the signed agreement, Mike is upset and doesn’t show enough empathy and…well…fark me. Heidi says the relationship “door is closing” and Mike is all “well it’s closed” and Heidi is all like “oh no, I mean like it’s really getting close, you know, help me out here” and Mike is “nah, mine’s closed” and Heidi is like “well mine’s slammed, so there!” Mike produces some moisture on his face for the piece to camera and we know they’ll last maybe another few weeks. #shutthefrontdoor #maybejustleaveitajarabit
Anus and Sam
Anus gets the nod from the producer and heads out to sit on the couch RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FREAKING TOILETS for another “secret” rendezvous. Sam sits down and “OMG BABE, THE SEXUAL TENSION IS SO INTENSE”. The producer yelled “FFS, say something naughty” and Anus—always up for a challenge—murmurs “I get so horny when I see you…I have like six orgasms in my head” and, in the process of throwing up in an ice cream bucket, I think, “hmmmm, maybe MAFS is a good way for me to rapidly lose weight”. #isthatwhattheymeanbymindblown #oristhataheadfuck #soconfused
Anus, recovering from her head fuck, tells Sam she wants a future with him and Sam, (after saying EARLIER he could see a future with her) whines to ACA, “oh, that’s a bit of a turn off…I just wanted a shag and fame and now she’s like, falling for me ‘cause I’m #sohot and cool. I’d hate to dodge one bullet for another”. #dudeyouaretargetpractice #knobjockeyonthetrashtrain
I walk over to the TV, flip both Sam and Anus a dramatic double bird, watch the promo for next week and pour myself another red.
See you on Sunday.
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