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Into cartoon smut? This is why you’re not a freak

According to Pornhub, cartoon pornography remains one of the most popular searches on their site. However, science believes that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, even if your mother says otherwise.

 

 

It was a weird moment. There I sat, prepubescent, pants tented, eyebrows skewed. Elmer Fudd opened his pipes, desiring to operatically kill the wabbit, despite loving said wabbit. The wabbit in qwuestion was dressed in classic Scandinavian femme opera pomp, replete with pigtails and breastplates for the rack he certainly didn’t have. Despite all of this, and despite knowing this, it was a weird, sexual moment, one which unfortunately represents the first moment I approached the vast island of smut.

 

 

No, I’m not proud of it. As far as sexual awakenings go, I’d rather very much to go back to sleep. While I’ll spare you further details, don’t judge me, because I’ve got questionable data on all y’all.

According to the bean counters of Pornhub, ‘hentai’ remains one of the most popular searched for categories. For those who are unsure of what that encapsulates, why you always lyin’. For the honestly naive, hentai is Japanese cartoon characters doing it. However, don’t blame the Japanese, as we Westerners have long been enablers of cartoon characters we men would totally do things to/with. J’accuse, Hollywood, as they’ve long cultivated the rumour that there is a single frame of Jessica Rabbit’s actual downstairs machinery in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, a character who was not so much drawn, but erupted on the page by some sex-starved yutz in a Hawaiian shirt and a thinning hairline. As she herself said, she’s not bad, she was just drawn that way.

Obviously, the fault lies with us.

In his book The Evolution of Desire, evolutionary psychologist David Buss writes “…beauty may be in the eyes of the beholder, but those eyes and the minds behind the eyes have been shaped by millions of years of human evolution,” Buss writes. “Because physical and behavioral cues provide the most powerful observable evidence of a woman’s reproductive value, ancestral men evolved a preference for women who displayed these cues.”

It seems obvious, but the hypersexualised gait of hentai saunters into our bedrooms. The unrealism is what sells it. As Buss claims (despite attraction slightly differing from culture to culture) “full lips, clear skin, smooth skin, clear eyes, lustrous hair, and good muscle tone, and features of behaviour, such as a bouncy, youthful gait, an animated facial expression, and a high energy level,” is what we all covet.

Before you go Googling your little bandwidth out, let us nod to the cartoon pinup that floated your pop’s boat in Betty Boop. She possesses all of the above.

She represents this an unnatural extreme, features exaggerated to absurd, neotenic levels. Her head is impossibly large, her legs too long given her torso, her arms too short, and her hip-to-waist ratio would prevent her from walking. She couldn’t exist, but as a piece of fictional ass, she has lived on as a sex symbol for nearly a century.

So what’s the lesson? There is none. That corner of Pornhub merely zaps the lizard part of your foolish brain. Just wait until everyone leaves the house first.

 

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